How do you avoid getting into frequent arguments with your boyfriend and make sure you don't let arguments weaken your love feelings for each other?
My couple relationship is a bit tense and unstable and a bit rocky nowadays with my boyfriend and is going a bit south right now, things are turning a bit sour and to top it off and to make things worse, we argued a bit over foolish and insignificant details. We had a little argument with my boyfriend. We're going through some troubled waters together. Things are a bit rough with my boyfriend these days. We have many disagreements over stupidly foolishly little details. We're growing a bit distant from each other. We're avoiding each other a bit for now. Things could be improving much better between us, things could get better far better than it is right now. Things will slowly be improving and brighter days are ahead for our relationship. My boyfriend isn't showing much love to me right now. I mean, I know we've been kind of been avoiding each other for the past 24 hours. Things will get better before it gets better. Our communation is pretty broken up as things stand right now. I've seen better days in our relationship. I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (24M) for about a year, and I need help understanding a critical difference between us. To make a long story short, my boyfriend has a really bad habit of overcomplicating things. I think this stems from a sense of perfectionism, but it's exhausting because it makes simple tasks extremely time consuming and, because it's so time consuming, he often procrastinates and doesn't do the things he's supposed to. For instance, he won't make/eat breakfast unless I'm with him because it takes too long (he claims it would take him an hour to make a smoothie and I'm just like...how on fucking earth does it take you an hour to make a smoothie?) and the thing is, I've seen him in action. Cooking even the most basic meal takes 3+ hours because of the all the crazy detail he puts into it (and, for the record, it always tastes like a normal meal -- he's a good cook, but the stuff he's making does not require the time he's putting into it).
I don't want to critique him on this, because it seems like it's an aspect of his personality, but it's staring to get really frustrating. When I try to help or offer suggestions for how to simplify things, he just brushes them off. This is fine, but I can see how discouraged he gets and how he will go into freeze mode and just not do anything because of how overwhelmed he is by how intensive something is going to be. But he's the one making it that way? Am I making any sense? This applies across all areas of his life except, as far as I can tell, his work.
I'm also frustrated because this ends up impacting the time we spend together. Sometimes (maybe half the time) I'll come over because we've made plans and it will take him HOURS to clean up around the house, take a shower, etc before we can leave. I end up helping him, which is fine, but I'm always like...hello? We went on a roadtrip together for the first time (just a quick 3 hour drive to his parents cabin in the mountains) and the drive ended up taking almost 6 hours because we had to stop every 20-30 minutes for one reason or another. I didn't get visibly frustrated, but I was so baffled and annoyed. I worry that this feeling will build up more over time and turn into something uglier.
I truly do love my boyfriend so much. He is such a tender-hearted, caring person, and the other "issues" we've run into, if you can even call them that, have been so minor. We're both easygoing, but I'm definitely the ones who's more organized/on top of things/quick. But are we just not compatible? What conversation would you suggest having with him? Am I actually just too "high strung" to cope with his slower pace of living life? Is this possibly a mental health thing? My partner is a system, they developed DID quite early on and has quite a lot of alters, I get along with basically all of them, at least the ones that do front or have fronted with me around. My partner has another Boyfriend (M27), they have been together for over three years before I joined the relationship, I get along with him super well and I’d say we are a great team! They live together and live in a flat roughly four hours away from me, so we get to see each other every few months, but spend a lot of time together over Discord, daily.
No one is perfect… well I believe no one is perfect. But I fear I may be unwilling to put up with any issues I have in a relationship. Whenever I feel off about something for long enough, I just end the relationship and move on.
For example, I broke up with someone because they had a porn addiction and erectile dysfunction. I’ve also broken up with someone because they wouldn’t support me financially even though I supported them. (LSS they were unemployed for a while after we graduated and I later lost a job during Covid. They held money over my head like I was just too lazy to get a new job.)
This isn’t to say I don’t try to work through things but I feel like I’m less patient now. My worry is that I have a skewed outlook about anything negative in any relationship. I don’t know if I am being overly cautious or worried about things now. Basically, I feel like it needs to end, because I don't really feel loved or respected. However, I feel like I've become 'stuck' in this relationship because my self esteem has become shot. No matter how unhappy I've been over the past few years, I start doubting myself and wondering whether I just need too much (as my boyfriend thinks) or just have way too much anxiety to be successful in any relationship (which my boyfriend also thinks). For some context, here are some of the things that generally make me feel unloved: He's short and impatient with me often. I pick up on things pretty quickly, but I still get nervous to do basically anything new with him because he gets frustrated so quickly if I don't get something (even if he hasn't explained it at all or explained it very badly). I've started to just kind of shut down and become silent in these situations, which is definitely not my real personality. I also now avoid doing new things with him in which there is a learning aspect for fear that he will be rude and impatient with me.
Sometimes, he will listen to me and validate my feelings. Most of the time, though, he get angry at me for bringing up how I feel in any way, usually citing that it's too "minor" to bring up, or that I brought it up at an inopportune time, or, most of the time, say that the problem is my anxiety and it's my job to "manage my feelings." Recently, we were apart for my birthday, and on that day, I brought up that I felt worried and anxious that I missed him more than he missed me. He ended up getting angry and hanging up on me for causing an issue. Although I didn't think I did anything wrong, I sent him a bunch of texts apologizing for expressing my feelings because I felt anxious and wanted the issue to be resolved. He finally said he accepted my apology, but then didn't respond to any of my texts for the next 6 hours while hanging out with a friend. It was my birthday and this all made me really sad, but I still haven't brought it up because I feel like it will be twisted to be my fault for being "too anxious", and he will insist he did nothing wrong. I don't feel comfortable with him. I recently went home to see my family and realized how safe and comfortable and "myself" I feel with them. I don't feel like that with him. I don't know if this is because I have so much anxiety around the relationship, or because I feel like he is often just not that kind/respectful to me. I'm much more quiet around him, don't act goofy, and often agree with what he's saying even if I have a different opinion. He has a very strong personality and is very set in his ways. I often don't feel listened to, so I end up backing away from my position to not cause a fight. Throughout our relationship, the love, attention, and affection he's given me has gone down and down. I know things can't stay like they were in the honeymoon phase forever, but I feel like i have to keep recalibrating my expectations and becoming okay with the new 'bar' set for how much love I will receive. We have some major incompatibilities when it comes to important things. He wants to see his friends all the time, and wants me to always come along for marathon hangout sessions (10+ hours). I am more of a homebody and want to spend most of my time with my partner. We have completely different ideas for how we want to parent children (and I 100% want children someday).
When with his family/friends, he insists that he shouldn't need to text me so he can spend quality time with them without his phone. However, if me and him are out to dinner, we can't get through a meal without him looking at his phone multiple times. If we're watching a TV show together for an hour, same deal-- he'll be answering his coworkers outside of work hours, etc. When I've asked him to focus more on quality time with me, he's called it controlling, and says that it's fine to look at his phone more with me rather than with other people because "he sees me all the time."
I could go on but you probably get the gist. I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety (which he always says is the cause of 95% of the problems in our relationship), but she has been questioning my relationship and telling me that it feels like he is invalidating, doesn't pay attention to my needs, and that I have very valid reasons to feel anxious. This is making me question a lot. I deep down have known for years that this probably isn't right, and I don't really feel happy, but I can't stop thinking that I am the problem-- probably because I've been told for years that I AM the problem, and I need to work on my self esteem and anxiety and then everything would be fine. How can I find the courage to end this, if it's indeed not right? Does it seem "not right" to you? How can I trust my gut and go through with this? Thanks for any advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year and a half and we’ve had some really high highs and some really low lows. We’ve already gone through so many hardships but this has been my longest relationship, and probably most serious one. I’m just wondering if your guys relationships are really that hard as well, considering all you see on social media are people in love and buying things are their significant others etc. I’m also asking this because there are some days where I wish he would do more romantic gestures and there’s other days where I love that we’re just sitting on the couch watching movies together. I’m not saying that I don’t love him because that’s farther from the truth. I’m completely in love with him. But I feel as if with everyday of the same, normal routine including the lack of dates, romantic gestures, him not texting me as much but texting his friends way more, him having his own life. Idk. Basically what I’m asking is, is it really that hard to maintain a long term relationship? I believe this man is the one I want to marry, and I know he’s worth the effort to go into and I want to work for this relationship to succeed and flourish. I’m just wondering if you guys get those days where it’s just…difficult. In my case, I'm someone who has always been emotionally needy, even if I don't like saying it like that, it's a fact. I've always been +/- dependent in my relationships. My current relationship with my boyfriend (5 months) is what we consider our first love (in the sense that I personally know that in my previous relationships, I thought I was "in love" when I was more dependent on affection than anything else). Still in context, I'm someone who gives a lot more than I receive (I don't expect anything in return, I'm more someone who rejoices in the happiness of the person overall), but I admit that right now, well, clearly, I'd like my boyfriend to give me more attention.
A few days ago, I had already told him that I'd like him to sometimes say he's proud of me (annoying, but I'm depressed, so I admit that as I told him, it would do me good if he said it sometimes when, for example, I do things that are very tiring/anxious for me) because, you know, recognition feels good! To which he replied that he's not like that at all, not at all used to it because it's not something that's done in his family particularly, so he's not used to it (not necessarily negative in itself, but there you go). I tried to tell him that in fact, it's something I've also experienced in my dysfunctional family, so I totally understand his pov, but I've learned over time, through discussion, social media, etc., that it's something that seems commonplace but that a lot of people need naturally (including me), but he remained closed on this subject, telling me firmly that he was neither my father nor my therapist (I told him that I didn't want him to try to take on that kind of role because I know it well and I absolutely don't want to make him go through that in our relationship!!). Same thing, I told him about my wish that he try to be more attentive in his gestures/words, not at all that I feel bad, on the contrary, I love him very much, but sometimes I'd like him to surprise me, to think of me and give me gifts, dates, that kind of thing (as I told him, I don't want to be the pushy guy who wants that in the relationship, absolutely not, I want it to be able to come from him and not just because I ask him, I want it to come from his heart and that he does it with pleasure!) As I was saying, I'm the type of person who will give a lot, a lot without asking for anything in return, but I'm not going to lie, I'd sometimes like to be like that with me, and it makes me suffer in reality, I don't force myself to please others, but that's how I feel! And the same on this subject too, he remained quite closed, telling me that he's not like that, that he's not used to it.... I've explained to him that I don't expect him to do crazy things for me, not at all (for example, I would have liked a small bouquet of flowers for my birthday, but at that moment he was working, so given the time he finished, he couldn't, but he didn't take the time to do it afterwards, so I don't take it badly in itself, but it's painful, let's say). I began my relationship with my boyfriend when he started a new career move after feeling like the current role didn't have any more space for him to grow. He's then been though a couple challenging job environments, ultimately being a victim of staff layoffs from a couple smaller companies and then for the last and most recent job let go due to performance reasons. Each time a job is lost, I've been asked to help him move, and house him and his pet so he can save money and get back on his feet to move into a new apartment. I was asked again recently by him to temporarily move in with me and I'm not sure what I should do.
Multiple times throughout the course of the relationship after he got a new job, the discussion of fully moving in together has been brought up by him instead of him moving to his own place. Every time, I've felt like it was too soon, he was still getting his footing again and it felt more like an opportunity to save money than actually moving in together because we both wanted to. Consistently I have had a strong perspective that once we both are ready for it, I want the rent covered equally and to take the next step together with equitable shared expenses.
Regarding him temporarily staying with me, it's always made me feel really uncomfortable as I feel like I'm put in a power position with him and I have to support him for these periods of time or else it would be my fault that he could no longer afford to be in the area we live.
This particular time feels different to me in that the opportunity he's going after while asking to stay with me is for an exciting project without any funding currently and there isn't a way for him to keep interviewing for a new job or continue pressing for more interviews while he's living with me so it feels like a slow crawl into something without a clear end date. I’ve been with my partner a couple of years, and I’m/we’re pretty unhappy. His view is that I don’t prioritize the relationship, or him, enough to meet his needs. It’s true that I’m more independent than him, and like spending time with friends and family perhaps more than he does. But we also do spend a lot of time together, regularly take holidays etc. And it’s ok that he wants more of that, but the way we talk about it / how he responds when he feels insecure or hurt is so painful. Starts out sulking, or silent treatment, if that doesn’t work he will fire up and is quick to get mean. The only relationship I’ve ever had where there’s actual shouting at each other. All of this means I’m on eggshells around him. I’m constantly worried that I’ll hurt his feelings, as any number of things could set it off. I get super anxious telling him that I’ve made plans with friends etc, and sometimes avoid doing that to avoid possible conflict. Once I said I’d call him after I took a shower. I called him 25 minutes later and he blew up at me, asking how I possibly could have taken that long.
I am not a perfect partner by any means, and I know im a part of this dynamic, but lately I have this kind of…dread in my stomach about it all. Like, something just feels so off about it. I love him, I’m attracted to him, and he has lots of wonderful qualities, but this stuff just hasn’t changed despite many conversations and it’s having a big impact on my life. The last year I’ve been on a “it just takes work, I have to address my own issues and then it will work” train, but I’m wondering at what point work isn’t enough? When we first started dating I was definitely not the type of girlfriend I should have been (snap chatted other guys, still was friends with my ex. Etc). That caused him to act out aswell (talked to other girls etc). We fought all the time and there was a lot of insecurity in the relationship on both ends. Eventually he ended things and I was heart broken.
Throughout the entirety of our first time together I fell in love for the first time and so did he. We both acted out of anger but we’re so in love. But because of that we both held so much resentment. We’ve gone back and fourth since then, both never dating or having sex with anyone else in the times we’ve been off or on. Now, we’re at a place where we both want to work things out. It’s been 2 years since everything has happened between us and we’ve both cried and said we’re sorry so many times and felt for the other person. But, I still just have this feeling of hatred towards myself. When I acted the way I did I didn’t really believe in love and he was the person who made me feel more than I ever knew I was capable of. And now I just hate myself for ever hurting him in the first place. I know he still holds resentment towards me and I do towards him too. It feels like it comes up between us in petty fights and suddenly small things turn huge because 3 years of baggage comes out. I guess I’m just confused because it’s like we talk out everything and it’s always so genuine and seems so resolved, until the next time things are off and then we’re both still so wounded it seems. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than anything in the world. He’s changed me to be a better person and I know we’re capable of so much more than this but I don’t know how to heal those old resentments between us or if it’s just over.
I don't want to critique him on this, because it seems like it's an aspect of his personality, but it's staring to get really frustrating. When I try to help or offer suggestions for how to simplify things, he just brushes them off. This is fine, but I can see how discouraged he gets and how he will go into freeze mode and just not do anything because of how overwhelmed he is by how intensive something is going to be. But he's the one making it that way? Am I making any sense? This applies across all areas of his life except, as far as I can tell, his work.
I'm also frustrated because this ends up impacting the time we spend together. Sometimes (maybe half the time) I'll come over because we've made plans and it will take him HOURS to clean up around the house, take a shower, etc before we can leave. I end up helping him, which is fine, but I'm always like...hello? We went on a roadtrip together for the first time (just a quick 3 hour drive to his parents cabin in the mountains) and the drive ended up taking almost 6 hours because we had to stop every 20-30 minutes for one reason or another. I didn't get visibly frustrated, but I was so baffled and annoyed. I worry that this feeling will build up more over time and turn into something uglier.
I truly do love my boyfriend so much. He is such a tender-hearted, caring person, and the other "issues" we've run into, if you can even call them that, have been so minor. We're both easygoing, but I'm definitely the ones who's more organized/on top of things/quick. But are we just not compatible? What conversation would you suggest having with him? Am I actually just too "high strung" to cope with his slower pace of living life? Is this possibly a mental health thing? My partner is a system, they developed DID quite early on and has quite a lot of alters, I get along with basically all of them, at least the ones that do front or have fronted with me around. My partner has another Boyfriend (M27), they have been together for over three years before I joined the relationship, I get along with him super well and I’d say we are a great team! They live together and live in a flat roughly four hours away from me, so we get to see each other every few months, but spend a lot of time together over Discord, daily.
No one is perfect… well I believe no one is perfect. But I fear I may be unwilling to put up with any issues I have in a relationship. Whenever I feel off about something for long enough, I just end the relationship and move on.
For example, I broke up with someone because they had a porn addiction and erectile dysfunction. I’ve also broken up with someone because they wouldn’t support me financially even though I supported them. (LSS they were unemployed for a while after we graduated and I later lost a job during Covid. They held money over my head like I was just too lazy to get a new job.)
This isn’t to say I don’t try to work through things but I feel like I’m less patient now. My worry is that I have a skewed outlook about anything negative in any relationship. I don’t know if I am being overly cautious or worried about things now. Basically, I feel like it needs to end, because I don't really feel loved or respected. However, I feel like I've become 'stuck' in this relationship because my self esteem has become shot. No matter how unhappy I've been over the past few years, I start doubting myself and wondering whether I just need too much (as my boyfriend thinks) or just have way too much anxiety to be successful in any relationship (which my boyfriend also thinks). For some context, here are some of the things that generally make me feel unloved: He's short and impatient with me often. I pick up on things pretty quickly, but I still get nervous to do basically anything new with him because he gets frustrated so quickly if I don't get something (even if he hasn't explained it at all or explained it very badly). I've started to just kind of shut down and become silent in these situations, which is definitely not my real personality. I also now avoid doing new things with him in which there is a learning aspect for fear that he will be rude and impatient with me.
Sometimes, he will listen to me and validate my feelings. Most of the time, though, he get angry at me for bringing up how I feel in any way, usually citing that it's too "minor" to bring up, or that I brought it up at an inopportune time, or, most of the time, say that the problem is my anxiety and it's my job to "manage my feelings." Recently, we were apart for my birthday, and on that day, I brought up that I felt worried and anxious that I missed him more than he missed me. He ended up getting angry and hanging up on me for causing an issue. Although I didn't think I did anything wrong, I sent him a bunch of texts apologizing for expressing my feelings because I felt anxious and wanted the issue to be resolved. He finally said he accepted my apology, but then didn't respond to any of my texts for the next 6 hours while hanging out with a friend. It was my birthday and this all made me really sad, but I still haven't brought it up because I feel like it will be twisted to be my fault for being "too anxious", and he will insist he did nothing wrong. I don't feel comfortable with him. I recently went home to see my family and realized how safe and comfortable and "myself" I feel with them. I don't feel like that with him. I don't know if this is because I have so much anxiety around the relationship, or because I feel like he is often just not that kind/respectful to me. I'm much more quiet around him, don't act goofy, and often agree with what he's saying even if I have a different opinion. He has a very strong personality and is very set in his ways. I often don't feel listened to, so I end up backing away from my position to not cause a fight. Throughout our relationship, the love, attention, and affection he's given me has gone down and down. I know things can't stay like they were in the honeymoon phase forever, but I feel like i have to keep recalibrating my expectations and becoming okay with the new 'bar' set for how much love I will receive. We have some major incompatibilities when it comes to important things. He wants to see his friends all the time, and wants me to always come along for marathon hangout sessions (10+ hours). I am more of a homebody and want to spend most of my time with my partner. We have completely different ideas for how we want to parent children (and I 100% want children someday).
When with his family/friends, he insists that he shouldn't need to text me so he can spend quality time with them without his phone. However, if me and him are out to dinner, we can't get through a meal without him looking at his phone multiple times. If we're watching a TV show together for an hour, same deal-- he'll be answering his coworkers outside of work hours, etc. When I've asked him to focus more on quality time with me, he's called it controlling, and says that it's fine to look at his phone more with me rather than with other people because "he sees me all the time."
I could go on but you probably get the gist. I started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety (which he always says is the cause of 95% of the problems in our relationship), but she has been questioning my relationship and telling me that it feels like he is invalidating, doesn't pay attention to my needs, and that I have very valid reasons to feel anxious. This is making me question a lot. I deep down have known for years that this probably isn't right, and I don't really feel happy, but I can't stop thinking that I am the problem-- probably because I've been told for years that I AM the problem, and I need to work on my self esteem and anxiety and then everything would be fine. How can I find the courage to end this, if it's indeed not right? Does it seem "not right" to you? How can I trust my gut and go through with this? Thanks for any advice. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year and a half and we’ve had some really high highs and some really low lows. We’ve already gone through so many hardships but this has been my longest relationship, and probably most serious one. I’m just wondering if your guys relationships are really that hard as well, considering all you see on social media are people in love and buying things are their significant others etc. I’m also asking this because there are some days where I wish he would do more romantic gestures and there’s other days where I love that we’re just sitting on the couch watching movies together. I’m not saying that I don’t love him because that’s farther from the truth. I’m completely in love with him. But I feel as if with everyday of the same, normal routine including the lack of dates, romantic gestures, him not texting me as much but texting his friends way more, him having his own life. Idk. Basically what I’m asking is, is it really that hard to maintain a long term relationship? I believe this man is the one I want to marry, and I know he’s worth the effort to go into and I want to work for this relationship to succeed and flourish. I’m just wondering if you guys get those days where it’s just…difficult. In my case, I'm someone who has always been emotionally needy, even if I don't like saying it like that, it's a fact. I've always been +/- dependent in my relationships. My current relationship with my boyfriend (5 months) is what we consider our first love (in the sense that I personally know that in my previous relationships, I thought I was "in love" when I was more dependent on affection than anything else). Still in context, I'm someone who gives a lot more than I receive (I don't expect anything in return, I'm more someone who rejoices in the happiness of the person overall), but I admit that right now, well, clearly, I'd like my boyfriend to give me more attention.
A few days ago, I had already told him that I'd like him to sometimes say he's proud of me (annoying, but I'm depressed, so I admit that as I told him, it would do me good if he said it sometimes when, for example, I do things that are very tiring/anxious for me) because, you know, recognition feels good! To which he replied that he's not like that at all, not at all used to it because it's not something that's done in his family particularly, so he's not used to it (not necessarily negative in itself, but there you go). I tried to tell him that in fact, it's something I've also experienced in my dysfunctional family, so I totally understand his pov, but I've learned over time, through discussion, social media, etc., that it's something that seems commonplace but that a lot of people need naturally (including me), but he remained closed on this subject, telling me firmly that he was neither my father nor my therapist (I told him that I didn't want him to try to take on that kind of role because I know it well and I absolutely don't want to make him go through that in our relationship!!). Same thing, I told him about my wish that he try to be more attentive in his gestures/words, not at all that I feel bad, on the contrary, I love him very much, but sometimes I'd like him to surprise me, to think of me and give me gifts, dates, that kind of thing (as I told him, I don't want to be the pushy guy who wants that in the relationship, absolutely not, I want it to be able to come from him and not just because I ask him, I want it to come from his heart and that he does it with pleasure!) As I was saying, I'm the type of person who will give a lot, a lot without asking for anything in return, but I'm not going to lie, I'd sometimes like to be like that with me, and it makes me suffer in reality, I don't force myself to please others, but that's how I feel! And the same on this subject too, he remained quite closed, telling me that he's not like that, that he's not used to it.... I've explained to him that I don't expect him to do crazy things for me, not at all (for example, I would have liked a small bouquet of flowers for my birthday, but at that moment he was working, so given the time he finished, he couldn't, but he didn't take the time to do it afterwards, so I don't take it badly in itself, but it's painful, let's say). I began my relationship with my boyfriend when he started a new career move after feeling like the current role didn't have any more space for him to grow. He's then been though a couple challenging job environments, ultimately being a victim of staff layoffs from a couple smaller companies and then for the last and most recent job let go due to performance reasons. Each time a job is lost, I've been asked to help him move, and house him and his pet so he can save money and get back on his feet to move into a new apartment. I was asked again recently by him to temporarily move in with me and I'm not sure what I should do.
Multiple times throughout the course of the relationship after he got a new job, the discussion of fully moving in together has been brought up by him instead of him moving to his own place. Every time, I've felt like it was too soon, he was still getting his footing again and it felt more like an opportunity to save money than actually moving in together because we both wanted to. Consistently I have had a strong perspective that once we both are ready for it, I want the rent covered equally and to take the next step together with equitable shared expenses.
Regarding him temporarily staying with me, it's always made me feel really uncomfortable as I feel like I'm put in a power position with him and I have to support him for these periods of time or else it would be my fault that he could no longer afford to be in the area we live.
This particular time feels different to me in that the opportunity he's going after while asking to stay with me is for an exciting project without any funding currently and there isn't a way for him to keep interviewing for a new job or continue pressing for more interviews while he's living with me so it feels like a slow crawl into something without a clear end date. I’ve been with my partner a couple of years, and I’m/we’re pretty unhappy. His view is that I don’t prioritize the relationship, or him, enough to meet his needs. It’s true that I’m more independent than him, and like spending time with friends and family perhaps more than he does. But we also do spend a lot of time together, regularly take holidays etc. And it’s ok that he wants more of that, but the way we talk about it / how he responds when he feels insecure or hurt is so painful. Starts out sulking, or silent treatment, if that doesn’t work he will fire up and is quick to get mean. The only relationship I’ve ever had where there’s actual shouting at each other. All of this means I’m on eggshells around him. I’m constantly worried that I’ll hurt his feelings, as any number of things could set it off. I get super anxious telling him that I’ve made plans with friends etc, and sometimes avoid doing that to avoid possible conflict. Once I said I’d call him after I took a shower. I called him 25 minutes later and he blew up at me, asking how I possibly could have taken that long.
I am not a perfect partner by any means, and I know im a part of this dynamic, but lately I have this kind of…dread in my stomach about it all. Like, something just feels so off about it. I love him, I’m attracted to him, and he has lots of wonderful qualities, but this stuff just hasn’t changed despite many conversations and it’s having a big impact on my life. The last year I’ve been on a “it just takes work, I have to address my own issues and then it will work” train, but I’m wondering at what point work isn’t enough? When we first started dating I was definitely not the type of girlfriend I should have been (snap chatted other guys, still was friends with my ex. Etc). That caused him to act out aswell (talked to other girls etc). We fought all the time and there was a lot of insecurity in the relationship on both ends. Eventually he ended things and I was heart broken.
Throughout the entirety of our first time together I fell in love for the first time and so did he. We both acted out of anger but we’re so in love. But because of that we both held so much resentment. We’ve gone back and fourth since then, both never dating or having sex with anyone else in the times we’ve been off or on. Now, we’re at a place where we both want to work things out. It’s been 2 years since everything has happened between us and we’ve both cried and said we’re sorry so many times and felt for the other person. But, I still just have this feeling of hatred towards myself. When I acted the way I did I didn’t really believe in love and he was the person who made me feel more than I ever knew I was capable of. And now I just hate myself for ever hurting him in the first place. I know he still holds resentment towards me and I do towards him too. It feels like it comes up between us in petty fights and suddenly small things turn huge because 3 years of baggage comes out. I guess I’m just confused because it’s like we talk out everything and it’s always so genuine and seems so resolved, until the next time things are off and then we’re both still so wounded it seems. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than anything in the world. He’s changed me to be a better person and I know we’re capable of so much more than this but I don’t know how to heal those old resentments between us or if it’s just over.
