What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a recital next week that I'm not fully memorized on and I'm performing for studio class today. There's a quiz first thing in the morning today that I'm not so ready for and I'm missing assignments in the class. Every year it's the same thing - everything falling over me crashing around me near the end and I'm so close. But why don't I have discipline! I'm addicted to Youtube and videogames. I'll admit, porn too. The last person I told that to was my smallgroup leader in highschool and he never talked to me again. I'm such a lousy and embarrassingly awful failure in all of these ways. I'm getting really sick and tired of being me, wanting to change amd stop my life from crumbling down around me, but the motivation is not there.

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WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · F

Hey. I'm really sorry your small group leader reacted in that way. Some people don't know how to react to these things. Have you ever spoken to a therapist? Does your highschool have a counsellor? It sounds like you're in a bit of a rutt. It is possible for things to change, you might just need some extra help. You might be suffering from depression. Focusing on one area of your life at a time with one small change rather than trying to turn around the whole thing at once would be more sustainable. There's a good book called You Are Not Your Brain that might be of interest. Honestly, there's good in you I can see it in your post.

InvictusIndigo · 26-30, M

@WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thank you for the comment. I used to see a specialist but when talk of trauma started going too deep I stopped going. Same with my therapist after. I'll see about this book once school gets out, I really do need to get back into reading.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · F

@InvictusIndigo Remember each small step counts. Good luck with your recital!