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What Is Wrong With Me?

I have a recital next week that I'm not fully memorized on and I'm performing for studio class today. There's a quiz first thing in the morning today that I'm not so ready for and I'm missing assignments in the class. Every year it's the same thing - everything falling over me crashing around me near the end and I'm so close. But why don't I have discipline! I'm addicted to Youtube and videogames. I'll admit, porn too. The last person I told that to was my smallgroup leader in highschool and he never talked to me again. I'm such a lousy and embarrassingly awful failure in all of these ways. I'm getting really sick and tired of being me, wanting to change amd stop my life from crumbling down around me, but the motivation is not there.
Hey. I'm really sorry your small group leader reacted in that way. Some people don't know how to react to these things. Have you ever spoken to a therapist? Does your highschool have a counsellor? It sounds like you're in a bit of a rutt. It is possible for things to change, you might just need some extra help. You might be suffering from depression. Focusing on one area of your life at a time with one small change rather than trying to turn around the whole thing at once would be more sustainable. There's a good book called You Are Not Your Brain that might be of interest. Honestly, there's good in you I can see it in your post.
InvictusIndigo · 22-25, M
[@1195753,WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome] Thank you for the comment. I used to see a specialist but when talk of trauma started going too deep I stopped going. Same with my therapist after. I'll see about this book once school gets out, I really do need to get back into reading.
[@600321,InvictusIndigo] Remember each small step counts. Good luck with your recital!
Has it occurred to you that your behaviour us natural and the system is meaningless chaos? It's worth considering!@.

However, you always make it anyways so why worry
InvictusIndigo · 22-25, M
[@1199560,Jdanielb] Thank you for your comment. Maybe this system is meaningless like you say, but to succeed I need to somehow pass the classes and get my degree to have a happier life.
[@600321,InvictusIndigo] thankyou for not attacking me for suggesting something different.. it is not your happiness, it is their happiness, you were happy once , and always , as a young child, relying on the care of others for sustenance, then they took you around age 5 and began indoctrinating you with the idea that your life wasnt complete as it was and you needed to do something more to feel good about yourself. Find your own happiness, if it's truly in following the billions, then by all means feel free to do you.

Jesus " you will by no means enter heaven unless you become like little children " also " you must be born again"

Heaven is in the mind of a complete child, gods providing spirit is more real than anything you can do for yourself in the flesh..

Maybe finish what you are doing, but then maybe stop for a while and investigate all plates before you decide what truly makes you happy..

Religion is a lie, so are the pastors who preach it, this has nothing to do with what I'm suggesting.. namaste

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