Please bear with me

I grew up being told that I’m worthless, hated and don’t matter. Was told me she wished I was never born, that she should have aborted me. She tried to end my life many times. I feared for my life and safety just about every day. I kept myself as small and quiet as a could, jumped up immediately after being told to do something. Was out of the house for the day as soon as said chores were done. If I showed any emotion when she wasn’t in a good mood or was drunk then I got told if I don’t stop I’m getting a beating, that included smiling or laughing. I learned at a young age to read other people and act as perfect as I could to stay under the radar. I also became a huge people pleaser because of it, tried to stay a step ahead of any of her needs so she would maybe like me. No CPS wouldn’t do anything because I lived in a “stable home with 2 parents,” despite the black eyes and bruises. I’m very surprised she never broke a bone, well she did fracture my skull a few times (xrays after a car accident showed that later). This was in the 70’s and 80’s and was like this in many homes. Everyone abandoned me, except for the most part my stepdad (the one I’m caring for now). I was used as an additional “payment” for drugs for her, thankfully that only happened a couple times (that I remember). My brain has blocked out so much.

Why am I telling you this?? Not for sympathy and no I don’t feel sorry for myself.

There are some amazing people here who care and reach out. I feel bad because I hold back and say very little because I still feel like I’m a burden and I’m working on being more open and vulnerable. I really appreciate the people who take time out of their busy lives to ask how I am.

I love you guys! 🫶