I still struggle to figure this out

As an teenager I wasn’t well behaved , I went to live with my dad at 13 , I wanted foster Care but he stepped in to have me instead. I didn’t get to pick unfortunately. In my childhood my dad did beat but I did feel loved still , expect for when he nearly killed me , he did cause a lot of of childhood trauma though but as an teenager he did really weird things I struggle to figure out now. I didn’t have what i needed because my dad stopped working when I was an toddler , my bedroom was damp I had to sleep in my coat , there wasn’t enough food so I was restricted to one bag an week whilst my dad went food shopping for himself every day if I ran out I got just dry bread , if I was lucky I got an odd honey oat bar , I was only allowed to shower once a week and for 5 minuets then he cut it off , I was always having vaginal infections , i wasn’t allowed an phone and all my clothes was ripped and has holes in them , my shoes was broken which water in , I just assumed my dad was too poor to give me what I needed. My dad didn’t trust me with anything so I got locked in the house , I couldn’t even go to the shop , I went to school until I was 15 so at school I had most of my freedom , I used to stay behind just for that reason , then I got expelled Because of my constant destructive behaviour there. So homeschooling it was , I was lucky because my tutor taken me to the library to do my schooling but that’s the only time I got to go out expect for to the store on odd occasions with my dad. My dad said he was trying to protect me , I could stand outside alone on the back garden that was it. My dad also taken me to my therapy appointments , he hated taking me and tried to get out of it , he was always in the room so I never got to tell my therapist what was happening at home. My dad always beat me for the slightest thing like with an slipper or his fists and threw plates at me or anything he could find such as tin cans. My social worker visited once , I told her what has happening she asked my dad he denied it then she never came back. My dad got that mad sometimes he knocked me out. I was an alcoholic too , he wasn’t though. My dad gave me sex toys and gave me porn material, I don’t know why as such but I thought he was being an good dad at the time and he always told me about his sexual history, I I wasn’t allowed out until I was 18 but I had to beg and it was only through college , I applied for college myself and got myself in , I went to community college but I got kicked out for my behaviour. I don’t have many happy memories from my teen years only from age 18 and 19. At age 18 I used to travel and I had to each myself everything such as how to get on an bus and go in an cab , my dad never taught me anything or allowed me to do anything , at 18 I was extremely behind , I had to learn how to do all the basics you learn as an kid. Now I’m in my 20s , my dad no longer abuses me as such , he is mentally abusive but only when he gets mad , I feel like he regrets what he did maybe , I’m trying to move out when I can afford to. I have an boyfriend but my dad will kill me and him if he found out. I’m still not allowed to tell anyone about my past or what he does now as he will kill me not literally but he will physically attack me , but I just don’t feel like I had an normal upbringing.