Male, 23, after being abused, I've been relying on sex toys to help me feel safe
I'm 23-year-old male with a history of being sexually abused several times when I was 11 and 17 years old. During those moments, people held me still and inserted objects into my anus by force, mostly their fingers even their penises. Nowadays I've been a shut-in in my apartment for years since I moved out to another state at 18 because of that. I couldn't sleep well and would have nightmares when I could sleep at all. I swear I could wake up to at least someone on top of me and I couldn't do anything about it when he forced into me again, even if I made sure I had deadbolted my apartment door, and locked the windows.
One attempt to face it all again with hopes to sleep better was to buy myself a set of anal plugs of graduating sizes and few bottles of lubricant. I kept thinking to myself: "This is MY plug, under MY control. Nobody else's!" every time the bad moments resurfaced. I used the smallest plug first and applied a lot of lube on it and pressed it into my anus. What's funny is that my anus opened up and I could slide the plug in without as much difficulty as I had expected!
I laid down the bed and repeated the same mantra over and over again. And another epiphany happened: For once I felt slightly more in control, and the plug inside me wasn't inserted by force. It was I who had inserted it, at my own pace. Months later and I gradually used larger and larger plugs, and with the largest plug (of around 2 inches in diameter), for once in my life I felt quite fulfilled somehow. It sort of helped that I imagined those plugs as shields that would protect me from them forcing into me too. Later on I purchased a small Bad Dragon dildo with a knot that I saw could double as a plug I could wear, and goodness it could do that and then some!
Another epiphany was kind of expected but still very welcomed. The many pillows and blankets making me feel comfortable and safe. I would use blankets, with soft pillows surrounding me and on top, and a roll pillow in my arms and legs.
Nowadays I wear my Bad Dragon dildo for almost all day and night, except when doing bowel movements at mornings and nights before sleep. I kind of need to have that plug inside; I feel vulnerable and empty inside without it. And at night I bundle myself up in a makeshift pillow fortress. Sure, the nightmares still happen, that I still have trouble sleeping. But those nightmares are much less frequent, and my sleep quality improves somewhat.
TLDR: Survived sexual abuse, relying on plugs and dildos to feel safe, fulfilled, and in control.
I just wonder why this happens? Why do I feel reliant on the dildo to keep me feel safe? Is there an underlying psychology behind it? Was it because I was trying to take back control?
Why did my anus open up when I used my plug the first time?
One attempt to face it all again with hopes to sleep better was to buy myself a set of anal plugs of graduating sizes and few bottles of lubricant. I kept thinking to myself: "This is MY plug, under MY control. Nobody else's!" every time the bad moments resurfaced. I used the smallest plug first and applied a lot of lube on it and pressed it into my anus. What's funny is that my anus opened up and I could slide the plug in without as much difficulty as I had expected!
I laid down the bed and repeated the same mantra over and over again. And another epiphany happened: For once I felt slightly more in control, and the plug inside me wasn't inserted by force. It was I who had inserted it, at my own pace. Months later and I gradually used larger and larger plugs, and with the largest plug (of around 2 inches in diameter), for once in my life I felt quite fulfilled somehow. It sort of helped that I imagined those plugs as shields that would protect me from them forcing into me too. Later on I purchased a small Bad Dragon dildo with a knot that I saw could double as a plug I could wear, and goodness it could do that and then some!
Another epiphany was kind of expected but still very welcomed. The many pillows and blankets making me feel comfortable and safe. I would use blankets, with soft pillows surrounding me and on top, and a roll pillow in my arms and legs.
Nowadays I wear my Bad Dragon dildo for almost all day and night, except when doing bowel movements at mornings and nights before sleep. I kind of need to have that plug inside; I feel vulnerable and empty inside without it. And at night I bundle myself up in a makeshift pillow fortress. Sure, the nightmares still happen, that I still have trouble sleeping. But those nightmares are much less frequent, and my sleep quality improves somewhat.
TLDR: Survived sexual abuse, relying on plugs and dildos to feel safe, fulfilled, and in control.
I just wonder why this happens? Why do I feel reliant on the dildo to keep me feel safe? Is there an underlying psychology behind it? Was it because I was trying to take back control?
Why did my anus open up when I used my plug the first time?
