Ever been embarrassed to admit something is wrong with you?
I'm convinced i am not ok and i don't know how to deal with my own self. Last year happened to be really bad. Short synopsis:
1. I got intimate (went too far) with a friend I knew for myb 5 years now. He would be my second...but i don't see it going anywhere. He was a source of comfort for me...but his situation is messy. Too embarrassed to talk about it so I have been avoiding him after a while. I still can't believe it as i was trying to wait again until marriage after my ex.
2. Went to a foreign country to visit my family but after three months due to religious issues we had a falling out....they asked me to remove my things from their home and my other set of family who live in the same country helped me. I haven't spoken to the ones who asked me to remove my things from their home except for the ones who moved them for me. They did tell me happy birthday on facebook but their blocked on my personal number.
3. My ex and myself had a bad falling out to the point where we're no longer friends. He moved on, told me to move on and as soon as I reached in another country last year, he messaged me out of the blue wanting to be friends-again. I asked why and he wanted it so we could see if there's a chance of us being together. I was not for it as he had someone, and he would still flirt with me and wanted to ask me to bring back home things for him. All of that kinda made me upset so i didn't do anything and refused. This was months ago, now he told me off that I was not sacrificial and how he has always been kind to me. He also has been asking for me to do stuff with him, even though he has a gf. I haven't but i finally admitted to him that i got intimate with someone else and shortly after he blocked me.... This was last week and bare him mind he has had two girlfriends since we broke up, one who he almost got married to but didn't go through with it. During that period he made a proposal for us to discuss a possible future between us and i declined. But even before being blocked he told I'm not worth anything to him anymore more than for *** and things would work out better if i only relaxed. He brought up old matter how I denied him 100 US (it was the only money i had left and i was planning on buying a cake for my gma out of it). Recently out of my savings, I gave him the 100 US as i promised i could always give him back some money. He said I didn't have to as it was his duty to take care of me but i felt awful and gutted about denying him money when we were together so i did that to make up. Bare in mind...this man cheated on me multiple times...n took my V-card without making me know he had a gf. It's been 8 yrs together since dating till getting closer. I literally thought i was the only person and felt cheated out of my choice in the matter. I started becoming nervous, suspicious and constantly miserable in the relationship and overtime highly reactive physically as he is someone who lies a lot, so i just couldn't trust him but i was unable to leave it especially because I didn't want to go to anyone else.
4. When i got back from the country I visited for three months, my ex called asking if i had a child and there's a rumor that i came back with a baby and that it's his. To this day i cannot figure out where this rumor came from, i could only suspect an older man who sometimes does odd jobs for my family. Nothing was making sense. My ex's mom even called me, and i doubt she believes me as she no longer sends me messages or communicates with me since then.
5. To top it off....no job. I've had work here and there but it was mostly part-time. My depression is at an all time high.
6. I'm also a bit on the religious side so just by giving myself away to two persons now....I literally don't feel worthy enough for marriage anymore, and my life really feels over tbh esp at this age. I try praying but sometimes i have no energy to pray. I also suffer from depression with social anxiety but the depression mostly affects and gets very bad when I'm going through stressful periods and I'm having a series of bad luck. And rn I've been really depressed.
7. I'm not trying to be a victim here but i'm really wondering what's wrong........
8. I was never like this...my family grew me up confident and outspoken. We were brutally honest. But i spiraled after a while in my twenties and got into a relationship with my ex who was my childhood friend at church. Since that relationship I've never met someone who lied as much and twisted things....and i can say mentally i have not fully recovered even its close to two years now since it has been "over."
1. I got intimate (went too far) with a friend I knew for myb 5 years now. He would be my second...but i don't see it going anywhere. He was a source of comfort for me...but his situation is messy. Too embarrassed to talk about it so I have been avoiding him after a while. I still can't believe it as i was trying to wait again until marriage after my ex.
2. Went to a foreign country to visit my family but after three months due to religious issues we had a falling out....they asked me to remove my things from their home and my other set of family who live in the same country helped me. I haven't spoken to the ones who asked me to remove my things from their home except for the ones who moved them for me. They did tell me happy birthday on facebook but their blocked on my personal number.
3. My ex and myself had a bad falling out to the point where we're no longer friends. He moved on, told me to move on and as soon as I reached in another country last year, he messaged me out of the blue wanting to be friends-again. I asked why and he wanted it so we could see if there's a chance of us being together. I was not for it as he had someone, and he would still flirt with me and wanted to ask me to bring back home things for him. All of that kinda made me upset so i didn't do anything and refused. This was months ago, now he told me off that I was not sacrificial and how he has always been kind to me. He also has been asking for me to do stuff with him, even though he has a gf. I haven't but i finally admitted to him that i got intimate with someone else and shortly after he blocked me.... This was last week and bare him mind he has had two girlfriends since we broke up, one who he almost got married to but didn't go through with it. During that period he made a proposal for us to discuss a possible future between us and i declined. But even before being blocked he told I'm not worth anything to him anymore more than for *** and things would work out better if i only relaxed. He brought up old matter how I denied him 100 US (it was the only money i had left and i was planning on buying a cake for my gma out of it). Recently out of my savings, I gave him the 100 US as i promised i could always give him back some money. He said I didn't have to as it was his duty to take care of me but i felt awful and gutted about denying him money when we were together so i did that to make up. Bare in mind...this man cheated on me multiple times...n took my V-card without making me know he had a gf. It's been 8 yrs together since dating till getting closer. I literally thought i was the only person and felt cheated out of my choice in the matter. I started becoming nervous, suspicious and constantly miserable in the relationship and overtime highly reactive physically as he is someone who lies a lot, so i just couldn't trust him but i was unable to leave it especially because I didn't want to go to anyone else.
4. When i got back from the country I visited for three months, my ex called asking if i had a child and there's a rumor that i came back with a baby and that it's his. To this day i cannot figure out where this rumor came from, i could only suspect an older man who sometimes does odd jobs for my family. Nothing was making sense. My ex's mom even called me, and i doubt she believes me as she no longer sends me messages or communicates with me since then.
5. To top it off....no job. I've had work here and there but it was mostly part-time. My depression is at an all time high.
6. I'm also a bit on the religious side so just by giving myself away to two persons now....I literally don't feel worthy enough for marriage anymore, and my life really feels over tbh esp at this age. I try praying but sometimes i have no energy to pray. I also suffer from depression with social anxiety but the depression mostly affects and gets very bad when I'm going through stressful periods and I'm having a series of bad luck. And rn I've been really depressed.
7. I'm not trying to be a victim here but i'm really wondering what's wrong........
8. I was never like this...my family grew me up confident and outspoken. We were brutally honest. But i spiraled after a while in my twenties and got into a relationship with my ex who was my childhood friend at church. Since that relationship I've never met someone who lied as much and twisted things....and i can say mentally i have not fully recovered even its close to two years now since it has been "over."
31-35, F
