Religious trauma

Over twenty years ago I was involved in a religious cult in the UK called the jesus army. They had communal houses and I used to stay at weekends . We were taught that we should live apart from the world. Because those who did worldly things were controlled by demons. I was pressured into marrying my then boyfriend because we were living together at the time. When I was prayed for they expected the holy spirit to come over me and if it didn't which was the case I'd be forced down to the floor like it had. The brain washing and bullying I received whilst involved left me traumatised. Even years after I would have experiences wherein I would literally think I was being tormented by demons at night. I would see shadows and feel them around me. It got to the point wherein I would not sleep at night without praying and wearing a rosary. I was scared to go outside alone because I knew there would be demons outside. I lived many years with OCD, anxiety and depression which further fuelled my fear. On top of this I feared doing something wrong and it evoking Gods wrath. I feared judgement and hell to the point that I could not live a normal life because my brain was constantly on high alert. I wanted this to stop but I didn't know how.
At first I thought I could see God differently as a loving God. But the more I read in the bible the more contradicting information I saw. It didn't sit well with me that God is loving but he can send me to hell. That meant there were conditions in his love and love should be unconditional I thought. The talk about sin and judhement just further triggered my trauma. As did the judgement I heard constantly aimed at other people and myself from other christians. I began to realise that christianity is toxic. That everything about it is about judgement. I had bible verses galore thrown in my face and it came to the point wherein I just had to walk away from all the toxicity. I wanted an end to the torture and the trauma. Iwasn't going to find that with God. Its not that I think he isn't there. I just can't follow him any more because of everything I have experienced and how it has affected my mental and physical health. I searched for something new..something peaceful and I found it. See more in my next story.