I've been there. Anxiety, dread, drinking, guilt. Wish I had something to say to help. It doesn't help when people tell you the truth. That working yourself up into a wreck while worrying about the axe being swung isn't going to help. I've been right where you are (Not meaning to say that I know what all you're dealing with, we all have our unique problems) and you know what steps you've gotta take. Simple but hard. For what it's worth, hope it gets easier for you.