I've been holding back tears since 5am this morning

Now the kids are in bed
Everyone has gone to sleep
Im sitting in the garage in the dark
Having a smoke
And i know its a matter of time before the tears start falling
Im scared for that
Because I know once i start
I won't be able able to stop
I wish i had asked my husband to stay awake. 😕
I hate crying in front of others
but i hate being alone when im crying because i feel like im gonna lose control.