I had another public meltdown at work today.

I'm an idiot. How do I not catch myself in the moment? Why is it always after?
The same old story...... The fear of being abandoned.... Causing me to act out. Not fearing the consequences, hyperfocused on being clingy as if it would keep my friend close. Ironically it only pushes them away. With the added bonus of me making a fool of myself. It amuses everyone. It makes them happy. They win every time I have a meltdown. I'm so sad. One of them was laughing. A chuckle...
I'm a fool. I'm a fool. I'm a fool. I'll never be normal and it really hurts.