I Am Saddened

My heart hurts I’m afraid . I want to feel me again .I don’t even like my friends anymore . I am afraid of men again too . Feels like I’m going back to when I cut myself at least I was real then . I feel like a stupid yogi . I rather go back to when I was a witch . I feel like a baby or some sort of saint . Why can’t I be real like the other girls. I don’t talk to my mother anymore . She can’t even take care of herself ... I had to take care of my brothers and dad at the end . I’m sick of my poetry . I want to get out of the fairy land .and walk barefoot in hell

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MrPerditus1 · 61-69, M

Not that this will help you, being a man answering during this time of crisis, but honestly. Cutting isn't making you real, it only feels like it because of the pain inflicted. I'm sure you know that though and I hate that you're hurting and feeling afraid and maybe lost some. Not knowing what's happened to make you feel and think this way, I really hope you can get through it without the cutting. You are as real as you decide to make yourself. If only you could find someone to talk to guide you through this, to help you realize you're more real then you might realize. I know this might be a rant, but I go through depression, pain, loneliness and even self-hatred at times. I get darker than some might ever admit. But in the end, it's just those moments. I do my best to keep trudging through the muck that is trying to drag me under.

I don't know if any of this makes sense or even is close, but just know you're not alone, no matter how much you feel it. I hope you can hold on and get through this.