Something in mind!

Today was a hard day. I attended another wedding, and my heart ached. Maybe it's because I wasn't destined to live these moments. Maybe it's because I've gotten older. Maybe it's because I'm not pretty. Maybe it's because I'm sick and no one can put up with me. Another wedding has reopened many deep wounds in my heart. I wonder: am I not a good girl? I'm not like other girls.

Today, Aisha said something my brother always used to say, but today I truly felt its weight. Yes, I'm sick, and my mom and my brother are worn out by me. Today my mom was very unkind, and I felt that she doesn't love me. I remembered something I once heard her say: that I don't have a child and never will. Another time she asked me, "What are you missing that other girls have? A leg? An arm?" I answered, "A mind." She fell silent and said nothing more.

I know I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I manage to accept that, and sometimes I cry a great deal. But crying doesn't solve anything, so I have to be strong. I cry for myself at every wedding I attend. But this is life, and these are God's decrees, and I have to trust in them.