I miss my ex boyfriend and I wish I was financially well off by my own merits

I never have moved past the heartbreak of losing him after I broke up with him. I set him free so he could live a better life without me as his girlfriend, instead of being weighed down by my mental illnesses and low motivation three years ago. He was counting on me to bring us together in real life because he couldn’t afford to even though he tried to save up money at the end of each month. He used to ask how I was progressing on my studies and my timeline to achieve them. He wanted me to be independent and self sufficient just like me and my family did. We dreamed of living together and getting married. He loved me.He was even willing to move to the USA to be with me. We had many hopes for the future and for each other. He told me we would always be friends even if we weren’t lovers anymore when I asked him. We were friends up until eight months after we broke up but once he started seriously courting/dating and got engaged to his fiancee, he decided we couldn’t be friends anymore. He explained the situation and wished me to take care of myself and to have a good life. He told me I should not think of him so much and to focus on my own life with getting a career/job, education, and making friends.because once I got a career I could move where I wanted and enjoy my life. He didn’t want his fiancee to be suspicious and upset that he was in contact with an ex girlfriend and he feared she might have had different thoughts about being engaged to him. He asked me to please not write him so much anywhere but what he meant was not at all because he never answered me back when I tried to contact him to preserve our friendship via email or social media messages. The thing is he opened a couple of my social media messages on Snapchat. He left WhatsApp because before that’s how we stayed in contact. When we were together we video called regularly, voice called sometimes , and text messaged every day twice a day. For the beginning of our breakup he thought it would be better to talk by email and similarworlds.com that way we wouldn’t be getting attached as when we were talking in real time. We went back to WhatsApp later for a month and a half early December to mid late January. Then he decided I wasn’t moving on and was dwelling on the past a lot so he left WhatsApp again. He wanted me to find a chance to find someone in real life to love and when I broke up with him he said if that was best for me he understood. I asked him if we could be together a few days to a few weeks later again because I made a huge mistake. Even though part of him wanted to get back together with me, he said being with him was not good for my future. He didn’t want to hurt me more than I already had been hurting. He thought I needed someone in real life to love and someone who could help me become independent in my life. He wanted a solution for my future. He told me months later he saw something like a break up happening if I didn’t finish my online studies soon which was part of the reason he sometimes put the pressure on me to finish soon and kept asking if I was working on my studies. We had been through so much together. Yes the relationship was online but he always supported me and listened to my troubles and gave me advice and we talked about the most mundane things and yet the deepest topics such as the purpose and meaning of life and philosophy spirituality etc. he was my true love I could feel it in my bones. In many ways we were both very alike. We both felt misunderstood and lost in life and found a home in each other. I felt invalidated often by the world around me and he offered that validation and support that I craved. There were so many good things about our relationship. He was my rock. I learned a lot about him and his background. He had it hard growing up as a kid and as an adult he was still kind of poor even with an accounting job after going to distance learning open university. It paid a few hundred per month and that’s it.on top of his own expenses, he and his brother helped support their aging parents his mother had been a homemaker. Her entire marriage to his father and his father used to be a taxi driver and chauffer. He didn’t go hungry but was poor. I was so proud of him. For making something of himself from humble roots. He had these ideas for companies like a financial escrow company called tyeup but it didn’t take off. He taught himself a lot of about web development and visual design technology. And even enrolled in some Indian vocational online training platform later on . Also he was one of the kindest, most understanding people I have ever known.. if I had been with a stable remote flexible career I could have either gone to India to be with him and lived well on an American salary while staying there or perhaps by reducing my rent or mortgage situation in the United States I could have made it on a part time salary. Time and circumstances got in our way. I also knew he would be homesick for his family if he came to America even if I was there and if I made enough I could give him some money to send home to his family. There was also the matter of his job it wasn’t a flexible schedule job. They let him work remotely from home during Covid but generally his accounting job was in an office working standard business hours. If he left India he couldn’t keep his job. There were so many factors. Then there were the expenses of visas, passports, and airfare travel. Despite being in love with each other, we had many obstacles to overcome. He waited seven to eight years for me and if I hadn’t broken up with him I think. He would have waited at least a couple more years for me to get my life together. I have to trust that’ he is living his best life now. He got engaged and I assume married his fiancee. He was my soulmate but things were tough for us. Sometimes I wonder if I had just finished what I started with vocational certificates of completion, diplomas, and academic degrees. Would I have been gainfully employed and making enough to live off of? Maybe I would have had enough. For me enough money would be somewhere from $50,000 to $100,000 per year. I would have had to move to a place with a much cheaper cost of living to thrive though and I always wanted to move to the southwest USA. I could have lived abroad if not for my mental health limitations. I’ll always be close to family and special services for my mental disabilities. Truthfully I let myself down and I let Sujeet down. I didn’t want him to have to wait around for me and though he paid me a lot of attention. I sometimes felt a bit lonely in an online relationship. I shouldn’t have because at least Sujeet and I were together. He texted me twice a day every day. If I had been more proactive about my life, maybe things would have turned out differently. I wish I didn’t go into a psychotic state and I wish I had been a better girlfriend. There were times I didn’t respond to him right away because I was depressed or engrossed in my hobbies and passions. He sometimes felt unloved and ignored. After making him feel like that I didn’t feel like I deserved his love anymore. When I was in a psychiatric hospital, because I didn’t have access to my phone I couldn’t call him. My parents had to find him on WhatsApp and tell him what was going on. He told them to keep him posted of my status. He didn’t run away when he learned I had been hospitalized. But later on he told me he thought I was ignoring him before my parents explained the situation. I cried so much during those two weeks being stuck in that mental hospital. I wax so furious that I had been taken there. It felt like a sort of prison. Long story short, my mental breakdown when I realized I had dissociated from reality and on medication snapped out of the delusions I had been living under caused me to break up with my ex boyfriend mostly. After everything I put him through, how did I deserve his love? I realize he would have loved me even if I did dissociate from reality and had an episode of schizophrenia. I don’t think if i didn’t break up with him he would have broken up with me. He had his heart set on me from the beginning and knew my struggles with anxiety and depression and how when I was a teenager the doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia because my house was haunted and I was haunted. He knew I was intersex and part of me was male. Mostly female but still. He loved me even with all my flaws. He even once or twice went upstairs in the rooftop of his work to distract me by showing me Delhi on camera to cheer me up. He was gentle and patient with me and forgave me many times for my stupidity. He told me two of my so called guy friends would try to get with me and I didn’t listen because I wanted friends. I had to end the supposed friendship because they admitted while single they slept around and tried to get me to break up with my ex boyfriend because it was online long distance relationship and they didn’t respect that and oh they were homophobic. Even if I was single I would have not appreciated them hitting on me the way they did. I messed up a really good thing but how soon would we have progressed to real life and made our relationship real world? How much longer. Could I have him wait for me? Three years? Five? Ten? He deserved someone who could love him fully. In the end, I broke his heart and it was too late to get him back. It was all my fault. If I took my studies seriously even when I got flustered and confused on different course content and final exams I could have had a portfolio of projects to show potential employers with visual design and web development projects or proofreading and editing final exams I could have passed and gotten work at proofed inc for a paid work trial period and passed that and been a full fledged freelancer on their platform and taken jobs from the work queue. I could have something to put on my resume. If I stayed in college, I could have been a translator or interpreter. Better yet I should have done the medical translation diplomas in Portuguese, Spanish, and French from the medical interpreting and translating institute online. And done careerstep medical transcription editing program so I could have worked in healthcare field since I was 18 and graduated high school. Taking a couple of years before I went to university would have been the smarter idea to get remote flexible vocational training for an remote flexible career where I could work from home. Or I could have learned work from home legal careers or something else. Then I would have gotten a bachelors degree and masters degree without student loans on a part time basis. If time and money were no object I would gotten two bachelors and two masters degrees. First set: bachelors of English and creative writing and masters of English and creative writing. Second set: bachelors of history and masters of history. I would have also learned
Many more languages from A1 ( beginner) to C2 ( fluency/mastery) levels both modern foreign languages and ancient classical languages to be a scholar. I would have gotten certificates or diplomas in visual arts like drawing painting and illustration. Then I would have gotten qualifications in jewelry design and making and in fiber/textile crafts like weaving, knitting, sewing ( fashion design and dressmaking/tailoring) , embroidery, crochet stump work etc. I would have been a professional creative writer and historian as well as translator and linguist. Then I would have been an artist/crafter/artisan as secondary hobbies/passions/talents//interests/skillsets/aptitudes. I would have been talented and accomplished in my career fields. This would have taken from my teen years to my old age to accomplish all this. But I messed up and am now 34 and have no accomplishments to show for anything. I would be lucky if I could finish my online courses in proofreading and editing or visual design and web development and gotten one bachelors and masters degree by the time I am an old woman. I guess I would have to settle for an English degree with creative writing and journalism. I messed up my relationship with my long distance online boyfriend.. I messed up my chances at being an accomplished, talented artisan, writer, and scholar. I just messed everything up. I could have someone worthwhile you know? And I wish I qualified for full ride scholarships so I could make my academic dreams come true. My therapist asks me when I would doing all the things when would I have time for friendships and relationships and to eat and sleep? Obviously I would do one thing at a time to maximize my success in academia. But while earning my degrees my languages would be learned at my own pace with online language learning schools. In addition to French, Spanish, Portuguese, I would learn Italian, German., Greek, Russian, Arabic, Hebrew, Farsi, Hindi, Chinese Japanese Korean, Zulu and Swahili etc. Latin, Biblical Hebrew, Classical Arabic, koine Greek, Aramaic, Sanskrit for ancient languages. I would be a hyperpolyglot.
I would love to be a genius. And respected for my intellect and artistic talents. I am an introvert but would still like to be among scholars, writers, artists/crafters/artisans , translators and linguists, designers and developers in tech, creatives, scientists etc. that’s what my ideal world would look like. And I would live somewhere much warmer than where. I am living now so people around me got easily cold like me. I don’t want to deal with snow, ice, or blizzards. I want 70 degrees to be considered cold weather for high for the day as the norm instead of people dressing like it’s in the 90s. I want a fall and spring that’s like mid late june and early September in New England. 75-85 during the afternoon and 55-60 at night. Early spring March and late fall November would be lower 70s and around 50 at night. December, January, and February will be in the 50s and 60s during the afternoon but 30s and 40s overnight. I want hot summers 90s everyday and 75-80 overnight. So I also wish I was financially prosperous and in addition to careers that made me good money i would also like to invest in gold and silver precious metals. I would be ecstatic if my total earnings reached $200,000 to $ 500,000 per year. But I’d be lucky to make$ 50,000-$100,000 on a part time or full time careers alone. But I would also like investments and portfolio/residual/passive income as a nest egg to have as a back up in case things hit the fan.