What could I have done?

I did everything I could. I stayed longer, I showed up, I listened, I reached out, I helped, I gave...

But when I need someone, I can feel the void.

I can hear my heartbeat echoing in the emptiness.

I held on until it hurt. I tried until I felt stupid.

I'm just not good enough for friendship, for love, to be remembered.

I'm not good enough to be included or be a part of anything.

I'm too sensitive. I'm too alone. I'm in constant pain. I'm not relatable. I'm not welcome. I'm not good company.

I've lost myself.

And I'm too tired to fight for myself.

I'm scared today. Old thoughts are returning. Bad thoughts.

And every day I keep living I grow more apathetic and careless because of the silence.

Nobody cares about me and I've tried all the ways to cope and not care and blah blah.

I don't want to be alone. I don't want my son to only have me and my sadness.

I have prayed, wished, begged for something real. And it never happens. Years of believing and all I have to show for it is physical despair.