2:34 a.m. feels louder than it should
like my thoughts turned the volume knob
and snapped it off in their hands
everything spins
not gracefully—
not like those slow movie scenes where chaos looks poetic
no, this is the kind of spinning
that makes you question
if you’re the problem
or just the only one awake enough to notice it
I keep replaying conversations
like evidence in a trial
where I’m both the defendant
and the judge
too much, too guarded, too complicated—
that’s what it sounds like in my head
all because I said
no
all because I meant it
I have rules
not because I’m cold
but because I’ve been burned
in places no one ever apologized for
I have boundaries
not to keep people out
but to see who’s willing to knock
instead of break the door down
still—
somehow that makes me difficult
and I wonder
if love is supposed to feel like negotiating your worth
or slowly erasing it
because lust is easy
it shows up uninvited
sits too close
says all the right things
with none of the intention
love, though—
love hesitates
love asks questions
love stays long enough
to learn your rules
without trying to rewrite them
I think that’s what I’m missing
not attention
not bodies
not late-night “you up?” messages
but being seen
without being edited
being wanted
without being simplified
it’s 2:52 now
and my thoughts are still spinning
but slower
like they’re getting tired
of trying to convince me
I’m hard to love
maybe I’m not
maybe I just haven't found the right one
and snapped it off in their hands
everything spins
not gracefully—
not like those slow movie scenes where chaos looks poetic
no, this is the kind of spinning
that makes you question
if you’re the problem
or just the only one awake enough to notice it
I keep replaying conversations
like evidence in a trial
where I’m both the defendant
and the judge
too much, too guarded, too complicated—
that’s what it sounds like in my head
all because I said
no
all because I meant it
I have rules
not because I’m cold
but because I’ve been burned
in places no one ever apologized for
I have boundaries
not to keep people out
but to see who’s willing to knock
instead of break the door down
still—
somehow that makes me difficult
and I wonder
if love is supposed to feel like negotiating your worth
or slowly erasing it
because lust is easy
it shows up uninvited
sits too close
says all the right things
with none of the intention
love, though—
love hesitates
love asks questions
love stays long enough
to learn your rules
without trying to rewrite them
I think that’s what I’m missing
not attention
not bodies
not late-night “you up?” messages
but being seen
without being edited
being wanted
without being simplified
it’s 2:52 now
and my thoughts are still spinning
but slower
like they’re getting tired
of trying to convince me
I’m hard to love
maybe I’m not
maybe I just haven't found the right one
