I think I'm close to dying
I recently relapsed on alcohol HARD. I ended up in the hospital with deep, sharp, stabbing pains all over my stomach and my liver.
I couldn't stop shaking and I was in so much pain that I wanted to die.
Before I went to the hospital, i had been sleeping off a hangover after weeks of drinking.
But when my BAC finally dropped to 0 or close to it, I began to feel a sharp stabbing and burning sensation in my gut. I thought nothing of it at first but it kept getting worse and worse until the pain became unbearable.
My father, didn't know what to think when I was in bed asking him to take me to the hospital. Its like he was in denial and just sat on the couch in silence waiting.
Eventually he gave me a ride but during the whole trip, he kept criticizing me and was angry.
That was one of the longest trips of my life because I was in so much physical pain. And then once I got to the hospital, I had to wait another 40 minutes or so.
Once I was actually on the hospital bed, 2 cops came in and started asking me to empty my pockets and checking my ID like I was some criminal. At the time I didn't care though because I was in so much pain.
All of this because I cared too much about what people think of me. I used alcohol to mask my low self-esteem.
I'm pretty underdeveloped as a male for my age. Even with facial hair, people tell me I don't look my age. I laugh it off but it actually hurts when theh say that.
It's like what do they mean:
-Is it the job I work?
-The fact that I ride an electric scooter to work?
-The fact that I'm not as big and strong as other men?
-Is it how my voice isn't as deep or manly?
-Is it my social awkwardness?
These are painful questions to ask.
Either way, I got this job because I couldn't keep up with the real men at the steel mill, the construction sites, etc. I was just slowing them down and they didn't appreciate that, so i stopped working those jobs.
I figured, if I could just work an easy job like cashier (my current job), then i could build wealth first and then use that money to gain the skills and attributes I need to be able to work in those other male dominated fields.
It just feels like every time I attempt to get my ship sailing, the other ships, stronger ships, mediocre ships take cheap shots at me because I'm an easy target.
I can't help but think they get off on seeing me struggle.
I live on the safe side of town in the suburbs. While I do appreciate that there's little to no violent crimes on this side of town, I notice a different kind of battle. I see middle class people fighting or raging over what I would consider petty things. Their main domain for anger and bullying is on the road. I see them in their middle class cars speeding, cutting each other off, impatiently waiting, etc. Many times I see them getting ridiculously angry over parking spots at the supermarkets. They'll get into altercations with each other over a parking spot.
As a cashier they lose their marbles with me if i deny their discounts because they didn't know how to use a digital coupon or they try using an expored coupon. I denied 7 different people their alcohol because they didn't have a proper form of ID and they all lost their cool on me.
As an alcoholic, I never once acted like an A-hole over being denied alcohol. And I've been denied several times.
As someone who's actually experienced rock-bottom: "jail, homelessness, near-death"....I cant help but get annoyed by these people. They look at me like I'm such a villain because I denied them their 15 cents on a bag of potato chips and donuts.
They lose their cool over things like that, even though I'm just trying to do my job right. But i can't run to every aisle every time some customer "SWEARS" that a product was cheaper on the shelf. Many times, I go check, and the customers didn't read the sign right or they saw 1 misplaced item sitting among a group of other items and claim it should be sold at the price tag it was sitting above.
Would it kill these people to read the tags?
Would it kill these people to spend a few minutes familiarizing themselves with the store app?
I mean they obviously have enough time to familiarize themselves with social media apps but can't figure out an app that actually affects their weekly lives? I don't buy it!
I never have issues with digital coupons. It's not rocket science and I'm not your emotional punching bag.
I stopped being so submissive with customers lately and they don't like it but oh well!
My job > your stupid box of donuts
Anyway, I'm done drinking poison just to numb myself to immature entitled adults throwing temper tantrums over petty everyday things. They have it good in life but act like the biggest victims.
I couldn't stop shaking and I was in so much pain that I wanted to die.
Before I went to the hospital, i had been sleeping off a hangover after weeks of drinking.
But when my BAC finally dropped to 0 or close to it, I began to feel a sharp stabbing and burning sensation in my gut. I thought nothing of it at first but it kept getting worse and worse until the pain became unbearable.
My father, didn't know what to think when I was in bed asking him to take me to the hospital. Its like he was in denial and just sat on the couch in silence waiting.
Eventually he gave me a ride but during the whole trip, he kept criticizing me and was angry.
That was one of the longest trips of my life because I was in so much physical pain. And then once I got to the hospital, I had to wait another 40 minutes or so.
Once I was actually on the hospital bed, 2 cops came in and started asking me to empty my pockets and checking my ID like I was some criminal. At the time I didn't care though because I was in so much pain.
All of this because I cared too much about what people think of me. I used alcohol to mask my low self-esteem.
I'm pretty underdeveloped as a male for my age. Even with facial hair, people tell me I don't look my age. I laugh it off but it actually hurts when theh say that.
It's like what do they mean:
-Is it the job I work?
-The fact that I ride an electric scooter to work?
-The fact that I'm not as big and strong as other men?
-Is it how my voice isn't as deep or manly?
-Is it my social awkwardness?
These are painful questions to ask.
Either way, I got this job because I couldn't keep up with the real men at the steel mill, the construction sites, etc. I was just slowing them down and they didn't appreciate that, so i stopped working those jobs.
I figured, if I could just work an easy job like cashier (my current job), then i could build wealth first and then use that money to gain the skills and attributes I need to be able to work in those other male dominated fields.
It just feels like every time I attempt to get my ship sailing, the other ships, stronger ships, mediocre ships take cheap shots at me because I'm an easy target.
I can't help but think they get off on seeing me struggle.
I live on the safe side of town in the suburbs. While I do appreciate that there's little to no violent crimes on this side of town, I notice a different kind of battle. I see middle class people fighting or raging over what I would consider petty things. Their main domain for anger and bullying is on the road. I see them in their middle class cars speeding, cutting each other off, impatiently waiting, etc. Many times I see them getting ridiculously angry over parking spots at the supermarkets. They'll get into altercations with each other over a parking spot.
As a cashier they lose their marbles with me if i deny their discounts because they didn't know how to use a digital coupon or they try using an expored coupon. I denied 7 different people their alcohol because they didn't have a proper form of ID and they all lost their cool on me.
As an alcoholic, I never once acted like an A-hole over being denied alcohol. And I've been denied several times.
As someone who's actually experienced rock-bottom: "jail, homelessness, near-death"....I cant help but get annoyed by these people. They look at me like I'm such a villain because I denied them their 15 cents on a bag of potato chips and donuts.
They lose their cool over things like that, even though I'm just trying to do my job right. But i can't run to every aisle every time some customer "SWEARS" that a product was cheaper on the shelf. Many times, I go check, and the customers didn't read the sign right or they saw 1 misplaced item sitting among a group of other items and claim it should be sold at the price tag it was sitting above.
Would it kill these people to read the tags?
Would it kill these people to spend a few minutes familiarizing themselves with the store app?
I mean they obviously have enough time to familiarize themselves with social media apps but can't figure out an app that actually affects their weekly lives? I don't buy it!
I never have issues with digital coupons. It's not rocket science and I'm not your emotional punching bag.
I stopped being so submissive with customers lately and they don't like it but oh well!
My job > your stupid box of donuts
Anyway, I'm done drinking poison just to numb myself to immature entitled adults throwing temper tantrums over petty everyday things. They have it good in life but act like the biggest victims.
26-30, M