I'm still sober.
Still depressed. Still dwelling.
Selfishly I miss the feeling of being intoxicated. Floating in a fog of forgetfulness. Alcohol quiets my thoughts. Cannabis pools the remaining attention into something that doesn't matter. And I feel okay.
It's the only time I'm able to slow down my mind. Feeling pleasure in my fingers and toes. Not concerned about the wellbeing of others, or the lack thereof. Thinking deeply about the most minute thing and simultaneously thinking about nothing.
Synthetically, temporarily okay.
I have to keep going. I have to keep nurturing this realization that going back to that braindead place is useless. My life still goes on the next day. I still wake up, feeling worse than last time, needing it more. All my responsibilities clog up more than before I touched those substances.
The people around me still live in this horrible world. My altered state does nothing for them. I only left them and orbited back, paying for the trip with my mental and physical health.
I'm so tired.
Selfishly I miss the feeling of being intoxicated. Floating in a fog of forgetfulness. Alcohol quiets my thoughts. Cannabis pools the remaining attention into something that doesn't matter. And I feel okay.
It's the only time I'm able to slow down my mind. Feeling pleasure in my fingers and toes. Not concerned about the wellbeing of others, or the lack thereof. Thinking deeply about the most minute thing and simultaneously thinking about nothing.
Synthetically, temporarily okay.
I have to keep going. I have to keep nurturing this realization that going back to that braindead place is useless. My life still goes on the next day. I still wake up, feeling worse than last time, needing it more. All my responsibilities clog up more than before I touched those substances.
The people around me still live in this horrible world. My altered state does nothing for them. I only left them and orbited back, paying for the trip with my mental and physical health.
I'm so tired.
