Where I Thought I'd Be
I don’t think I’m where I’m supposed to be in life.
It hits harder some days, especially when I see people I grew up with getting married, having kids, buying homes. Yeah, I know social media can be fake, and people only show the best parts… but still, it feels like they’re all moving forward. They’ve got roots, plans, people. And me? I feel stuck. Like I’ve missed some exit in life and now I don’t even know how to turn around.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering, if I had a different childhood, if I didn’t grow up with all that pain, would I be different now? Happier? In love? More stable? I only really know heartbreak, trauma, and disappointment. I don’t have many good memories to fall back on. Just a lot of surviving. A lot of pretending I’m okay.
Growing up, I never fit in. I always felt like an outsider. I still do. That feeling never really left. If anything, it just grew quieter and heavier.
And the older I get, the lonelier it feels.
Not just in the “I don’t have people” way, but in that deep, hard-to-explain kind of lonely. Like the kind where you’re in a room full of people but still feel invisible. Where no one sees you. No one gets it.
And when you speak, no one’s listening.
Most of the time, I feel like no one ever truly hears me out. Just brushed off, like my words never mattered much to begin with. So I stay quiet.
I used to tell myself, next year will be better.
Now I’m just trying to make it through the day without falling apart. I keep praying, hoping, holding on… but it’s getting harder to believe in things I can’t feel anymore.
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just me being honest.
If nothing else, maybe writing this helps me get through tonight.
It hits harder some days, especially when I see people I grew up with getting married, having kids, buying homes. Yeah, I know social media can be fake, and people only show the best parts… but still, it feels like they’re all moving forward. They’ve got roots, plans, people. And me? I feel stuck. Like I’ve missed some exit in life and now I don’t even know how to turn around.
Sometimes I catch myself wondering, if I had a different childhood, if I didn’t grow up with all that pain, would I be different now? Happier? In love? More stable? I only really know heartbreak, trauma, and disappointment. I don’t have many good memories to fall back on. Just a lot of surviving. A lot of pretending I’m okay.
Growing up, I never fit in. I always felt like an outsider. I still do. That feeling never really left. If anything, it just grew quieter and heavier.
And the older I get, the lonelier it feels.
Not just in the “I don’t have people” way, but in that deep, hard-to-explain kind of lonely. Like the kind where you’re in a room full of people but still feel invisible. Where no one sees you. No one gets it.
And when you speak, no one’s listening.
Most of the time, I feel like no one ever truly hears me out. Just brushed off, like my words never mattered much to begin with. So I stay quiet.
I used to tell myself, next year will be better.
Now I’m just trying to make it through the day without falling apart. I keep praying, hoping, holding on… but it’s getting harder to believe in things I can’t feel anymore.
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s just me being honest.
If nothing else, maybe writing this helps me get through tonight.
