Theory about my horrible self.
First of all let me make it clear that I find healthcare in my region (or maybe worldwide idk) horrible, especially when it comes to mental health, and I think the most it does for those who suffer is offer a sort of abstract description for what might be going on. A blanket description for something very unique in each and every individual.
With that in mind, I think I've always had what can be best described as ADHD, or maybe borderline personality disorder. Two very different "disorders" but from what I understand, they both share the trait of causing the afflicted person to see life, people, the world, experiences, everything as just fragmented pieces, all isolated from each other and not forming a cohesive picture—certainly lacking a cohesive meaning. Like puzzle pieces that never fit together, to such a damning degree that the person suffering from it never even understood that each piece SHOULD or COULD fit together.
That was what my mind was like before. I didn't understand in ANY capacity that this life is all connected. I would do things like interact with people in a way that they would find meaningful, and then just drop them like spare change. Maybe go back and pick them up again if I found myself coming up short somewhere else in life.
Everything was like that. "Do this, then drop it and forget . . . Okay now it's convenient for me again—go back and grab it."
I hurt many people, blew many opportunities, and burned many bridges.
I was only capable of viewing these "puzzle pieces" (again being people, experiences, opportunities) individually, like one of those camera feeds you see at a sports event or a security desk, all just looking at one thing with no context, switching from one thing to the next.
I still don't know what changed me to suddenly see things differently.
Maybe it was someone I met here who showed me what it was like to actually care about and love people.
Maybe it was that day I woke up last year with this strange feeling that I described as "a new confidence" which started out really as just being an even more confident version of the douchebag I always was, but eventually, a year later, turned into a sense of compassion.
Maybe quitting that heavy anti-psychosis medication played a role—although months and months late, I admit.
Maybe trying marijuana triggered some untouched region in my brain.
Maybe something else, or maybe a combination of these things.
Suddenly I do have a sense of continuity in my life, and subsequently I see the overwhelming lack of it I always irresponsibly lugged around with me out of sheer stupidity.
But what's for sure is that I see it now. I see it and it's overwhelming. 29 years on this Earth and all I ever did was selfishly float along and cherry pick whatever benefitted me, drop it when I felt like it, and expect it or them (a person) to just roll with it and not be hurt by my utter lack of empathy.
I don't know if anything I'm saying makes sense to anyone here. Please let me know because I tried. It's an abstract thing. I just failed so much and I let down so many people and did so many morally oblivious things and right now I wonder if I'm even capable of changing. I wonder if I'm capable of harnessing this "continuity" I'm talking about and being a responsible adult instead of seeing everything and everybody in life as just this fragmented thing to bring me entertainment when I want it and then suddenly flip a switch as if they can turn themselves off and stop having wants and needs just because I got bored with them for a moment.
All of my habits and skills revolve around that way of thinking. I'm such a horrible person and the weight of the responsibility of realizing it overwhelms me.
29 years of it.
Please tell me if any of this makes sense. I think I might be going crazy.
With that in mind, I think I've always had what can be best described as ADHD, or maybe borderline personality disorder. Two very different "disorders" but from what I understand, they both share the trait of causing the afflicted person to see life, people, the world, experiences, everything as just fragmented pieces, all isolated from each other and not forming a cohesive picture—certainly lacking a cohesive meaning. Like puzzle pieces that never fit together, to such a damning degree that the person suffering from it never even understood that each piece SHOULD or COULD fit together.
That was what my mind was like before. I didn't understand in ANY capacity that this life is all connected. I would do things like interact with people in a way that they would find meaningful, and then just drop them like spare change. Maybe go back and pick them up again if I found myself coming up short somewhere else in life.
Everything was like that. "Do this, then drop it and forget . . . Okay now it's convenient for me again—go back and grab it."
I hurt many people, blew many opportunities, and burned many bridges.
I was only capable of viewing these "puzzle pieces" (again being people, experiences, opportunities) individually, like one of those camera feeds you see at a sports event or a security desk, all just looking at one thing with no context, switching from one thing to the next.
I still don't know what changed me to suddenly see things differently.
Maybe it was someone I met here who showed me what it was like to actually care about and love people.
Maybe it was that day I woke up last year with this strange feeling that I described as "a new confidence" which started out really as just being an even more confident version of the douchebag I always was, but eventually, a year later, turned into a sense of compassion.
Maybe quitting that heavy anti-psychosis medication played a role—although months and months late, I admit.
Maybe trying marijuana triggered some untouched region in my brain.
Maybe something else, or maybe a combination of these things.
Suddenly I do have a sense of continuity in my life, and subsequently I see the overwhelming lack of it I always irresponsibly lugged around with me out of sheer stupidity.
But what's for sure is that I see it now. I see it and it's overwhelming. 29 years on this Earth and all I ever did was selfishly float along and cherry pick whatever benefitted me, drop it when I felt like it, and expect it or them (a person) to just roll with it and not be hurt by my utter lack of empathy.
I don't know if anything I'm saying makes sense to anyone here. Please let me know because I tried. It's an abstract thing. I just failed so much and I let down so many people and did so many morally oblivious things and right now I wonder if I'm even capable of changing. I wonder if I'm capable of harnessing this "continuity" I'm talking about and being a responsible adult instead of seeing everything and everybody in life as just this fragmented thing to bring me entertainment when I want it and then suddenly flip a switch as if they can turn themselves off and stop having wants and needs just because I got bored with them for a moment.
All of my habits and skills revolve around that way of thinking. I'm such a horrible person and the weight of the responsibility of realizing it overwhelms me.
29 years of it.
Please tell me if any of this makes sense. I think I might be going crazy.
