Sleep isn’t coming easy to me tonight.

Trying to know what to do with this heaviness in my heart.

I didn’t post about it yet but lost two more friends over the weekend. One to sudden illness and another to a drunk driver.

And then the world beyond the safety of my community is burning. It’s impossible to find comfort in personal victories when people are hurting. Dying.

I think of those suffering from painful, devastating, disfiguring illnesses that don’t have he same comforts and care that I do. My pains are little compared to theirs. My life no more valuable than theirs either.

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UBotMate

I tend to refer to the passage from the poem, "Our Deepest Fear":

There is nothing enlightening about shrinking
so that other people won’t feel unsure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
As we let our own Light shine,
we consciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

It can similarly relate to living in the face of death. Tragedy and death are everywhere, yet we cannot and should not stifle our own lives for fear of dishonouring those who haven't been as fortunate. In embracing the life that we have we give others the courage to do the same and that is no small thing. It is very noble to be compassionate and to be aware, but you can't save anyone if you yourself are drowning. The living need us more than the dead.

I don't say this lightly, I've lost people to disease, suicide and murder. It took me a lot of soul searching to avoid going down with them.

SwampFlower · 31-35, F

@UBotMate I am not suicidal. Nor am I drowning. I do deal a lot with survivor’s guilt, though. Sometimes it is heavier than others, like today.

Right now I need to feel and process the feelings and maybe tomorrow figure out how to translate them into something useful.

UBotMate

@SwampFlower Yeah, I hear you on that. I have no doubt in my mind that my friend who was murdered was better than me in almost every aspect and would have had a better future. He also tried to make me better at a time when I was going nowhere. I think about that frequently. All I can do is remind myself of the gratitude that I should have for still being here and that's not easy for a default depressive with a loose grip on the joys of life.