He clung to me so effortlessly. He hung on and drew life from me until I was weak.
I lashed out, wondering where the person who made all these promises went. Until he made them again. But it's always the same. Not just with him. They try for a week, maybe a little more. You see an effort, a brightness, a willingness... Then within a day or two, you breathe. You feel relieved to be in the relationship you love again. Where you feel safe to give because you believe you are sharing. As soon as you give, they gobble. Soon after, there is no more show of appreciation or reciprocation. They plaster words on your eyes, words without meaning. They turn their back again. They're defensive yet hanging. They're telling you they love you but they're angry that it takes effort. And you do your part. You look at yourself and you give more, maybe they need more just like you need more. You try to be understanding. And that's the exact moment they long for and the limbo they love to keep you in. The part where they get to be lazy and uncaring while you are stumbling over everything falling apart to get to them. They like that. They keep you there until you hurt too bad to keep trying, then they blame you. They act hurt. And once again, you believe in the love you feel, you believe in the person they pretend to be. But it's not really them. They simply create an endless loop, a rollercoaster and offering you free tickets, wrapped in the promises that it won't happen again. Assuring you they can be "better", you make them want to be "better", please believe in them. And there is your heart again, trying to do what hearts do in healthy relationships.
I can't truly figure out if they know they're doing this. My better judgement says, of course they know what they're doing, they do it over and over. Part of me knows nobody is free from toxic cycles in some way. You see the good in people, you yourself have broken cycles and changed, why shouldn't you believe in others? You did the hard work when nobody believed in you, wouldn't it be wonderful for them to have support.
This is not stupid. This is not your fault. People who grew up with love will tell you it's your fault. They don't know what it cost a young mind to earn the love and admiration of those who should unconditionally love and admire you for who you are.
So now you've expressed your feelings and people tell you, it's your fault stupid. And you think, when am I going to deserve love? When will my efforts be matched? What is wrong with me for loving?
And you never heal. Nobody cares. The person you love doesn't want you to heal. The people you open up to think you're an idiot. So you walk alone. You get strong and independent, and now others think you're too proud, too good.
When all you've done your whole life is try to have a heart, to love and be loved, without ever knowing how... and others insist it's because there's something wrong with you but they don't want to get involved... you get alone. You don't care. You let people think what they want and you stay out of their way. You find ways to cope. To hide. But everything you do, is looked down on, because you're messed up.
The one thing that will save you, is love. You can love yourself all you want, but you are human, you want to give, to share, to feel safe for fucking once. You need others for this. But others think you're damaged and like it's contagious. "No bad energy"... You feel people's walls, you observe how they fake it till they make it. Yet you still want something real. Something pure.
If my day never comes, if I am never loved, I still won't believe that it's my fault. Nobody will ever convince me that loving others was my flaw. I went through the trials of finding myself and loving myself. I'm good with self. I am accountable for myself and cognizant of the impact of my actions. And I do not see how my parents are my fault. I do not see the people I've loved, issues with themselves, as my fault. Yet I still feel the guilt. A child ashamed because they couldn't earn their parents love.
Love and honesty are my core. They have been my pursuit since I have memory. It's why I find my love and comfort and joy in nature, animals and children.
Love. Being loved. Being held. Being safe. I am not a person who gets those things. I never will as long as I am around people who think having a heart is a problem. People who let me run in circles. I do give up. I will remain open to all possibilities, but if I have to earn another humans love again, I don't want it. I do deserve love. Right now. But I know human nature better by now and I'm too far removed from normal to even be visible. I just don't care anymore. Not by choice. By instinct.
If that is my fault, then consider me evolved into the creature I had to become to survive and let me alone.
I can't truly figure out if they know they're doing this. My better judgement says, of course they know what they're doing, they do it over and over. Part of me knows nobody is free from toxic cycles in some way. You see the good in people, you yourself have broken cycles and changed, why shouldn't you believe in others? You did the hard work when nobody believed in you, wouldn't it be wonderful for them to have support.
This is not stupid. This is not your fault. People who grew up with love will tell you it's your fault. They don't know what it cost a young mind to earn the love and admiration of those who should unconditionally love and admire you for who you are.
So now you've expressed your feelings and people tell you, it's your fault stupid. And you think, when am I going to deserve love? When will my efforts be matched? What is wrong with me for loving?
And you never heal. Nobody cares. The person you love doesn't want you to heal. The people you open up to think you're an idiot. So you walk alone. You get strong and independent, and now others think you're too proud, too good.
When all you've done your whole life is try to have a heart, to love and be loved, without ever knowing how... and others insist it's because there's something wrong with you but they don't want to get involved... you get alone. You don't care. You let people think what they want and you stay out of their way. You find ways to cope. To hide. But everything you do, is looked down on, because you're messed up.
The one thing that will save you, is love. You can love yourself all you want, but you are human, you want to give, to share, to feel safe for fucking once. You need others for this. But others think you're damaged and like it's contagious. "No bad energy"... You feel people's walls, you observe how they fake it till they make it. Yet you still want something real. Something pure.
If my day never comes, if I am never loved, I still won't believe that it's my fault. Nobody will ever convince me that loving others was my flaw. I went through the trials of finding myself and loving myself. I'm good with self. I am accountable for myself and cognizant of the impact of my actions. And I do not see how my parents are my fault. I do not see the people I've loved, issues with themselves, as my fault. Yet I still feel the guilt. A child ashamed because they couldn't earn their parents love.
Love and honesty are my core. They have been my pursuit since I have memory. It's why I find my love and comfort and joy in nature, animals and children.
Love. Being loved. Being held. Being safe. I am not a person who gets those things. I never will as long as I am around people who think having a heart is a problem. People who let me run in circles. I do give up. I will remain open to all possibilities, but if I have to earn another humans love again, I don't want it. I do deserve love. Right now. But I know human nature better by now and I'm too far removed from normal to even be visible. I just don't care anymore. Not by choice. By instinct.
If that is my fault, then consider me evolved into the creature I had to become to survive and let me alone.
