A long rant on my experience with the preoccupation of superficial
What is attractive was drilled into my head since my mom bought me a Seventeen magazine in 5th grade. The impossible beauty standards have never ended.
I wore overalls every single day to hide my developing body and so people would know I wasn't trying to be cute, just me. I knew I wasn't cute. Boys called me fugly. I had a lot of fun and friends regardless. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and I should of passed on all the losers I dated, because back then I did have low self esteem.
Many times my dad wouldn't invite me to things because he was embarrassed by me. He would have my sister bleach my hair and comment on how much I ate. I didn't make him proud no matter what I did though. The rest of my family was very much into how things looked to the point of covering up what my molester uncles did to all of us kids. They all hated how dark I was. One time I saved for months to buy this awesome Misfits jacket with a skull on it. My dad ripped it off me and tore it to pieces.
After I divorced in my early 30's I had lost a lot of weight and was in fantastic shape. I was still weird looking, but I was skinny and weird looking and that was acceptable to others. I was trying to get out there like I never had, and I ended up with more attention than I could handle. I was enjoying finally being desirable but also pissed because I was still the same person I was before. I screwed up, I hurt people, I hurt myself. I developed a separate sense of self, like I was my own imposter. But I went with it anyway. I don't feel good about those times.
The second half of my 30s, after losing my parents, my family, 2020, came a great humbling. I stopped combining my hair, threw out my makeup and donated my uncomfortable clothing. I just didn't want to obsess about how I looked because it meant obsessing about being liked/accepted. I wanted to like myself, I wanted to be true. At one point I took some sexy photos of myself. I wanted to enforce my unique beauty by being what I was always told was ugly. Ugly and proud and deeply worth the space I took up. That was a therapeutic time but still somewhat shallow in hindsight.
Now, after cancer/health/life issues, I just look old. I don't have the youthfulness I used to have. Life beat the fk out of me. So now the dilemma is, as a single woman, is anybody ever going to love me for me? Will I ever find something real, with this face? With these wrinkles and sagging places?
Which makes me wonder, was it always just about looks? Does anyone really know me? Because I worked really hard to become the person I am, yet nobody knows me at all.
When does it all stop being so shallow?
I have never chosen someone because of their looks. I've always been very attracted to the person inside. Inner beauty radiates and that translates to all genders, ethnicities and outward appearance for me.
But I'm still always very aware that people are judging each other based on appearance. This duality makes me crazy. Seeing people deeply, but never believing I'm being seen deeply. When someone calls me beautiful, I just don't care. I wonder what good beauty is, if they don't know the real me. If there's nothing beyond how it all looks...
So here I am. Stuck between beauty as self care, or beauty as a way to score in life. I've experienced both sides, and it all only feels surface level. I want to be truly seen. I've overcome a lot of ego and let go of the need for others to like me. Within that, I've become completely invisible.
Perhaps it's just the other circumstances in my life right now, but I've never been this invisible before. I've never felt so unlovable. I am afraid of people thinking I'm attractive and being let down if they actually saw me. It's not because I'm hung up on how I look, I'm ready to let go of the superficial. Especially as I age. However the future looks lonely because most of what I've seen and experienced, is based on swipe left or right, send pics, filters, beauty standards, beauty advertising and attractive people getting ahead, which was how it worked for me when I was "attractive"...
I want to let it go. I want to be healthy, to love and be loved. But I feel too ugly to get my foot in any doors.
It's not about needing validation, the last thing I need is more superficial support. It's about being valued for who I am and the good I do.
Before anyone tells me to love myself, if anyone reads this at all, know that I'm good with me. I went through that journey and accept myself. I like me and don't see any need for changing my appearance unless I want to get dolled up and celebrate. I'm saying, I can tell the difference in how I'm treated when I'm dolled up and when I'm just being comfortable in my own skin. People treat you differently. I'm simply confused and complaining about the way it is in this animal kingdom. We choose based on attraction over substance. Influence over true strength.
I'm tired of being a meat bag. I want to be my spirit and my heart and my cleverness and curiosity. I want freedom from all these thoughts and expectations while still being lovable. I can't call this an issue with myself anymore. I can't dig deeper or change anything else within. I can't change the dynamics created by those who profit from insecurity.
This is a looong rant...
I wore overalls every single day to hide my developing body and so people would know I wasn't trying to be cute, just me. I knew I wasn't cute. Boys called me fugly. I had a lot of fun and friends regardless. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 18 and I should of passed on all the losers I dated, because back then I did have low self esteem.
Many times my dad wouldn't invite me to things because he was embarrassed by me. He would have my sister bleach my hair and comment on how much I ate. I didn't make him proud no matter what I did though. The rest of my family was very much into how things looked to the point of covering up what my molester uncles did to all of us kids. They all hated how dark I was. One time I saved for months to buy this awesome Misfits jacket with a skull on it. My dad ripped it off me and tore it to pieces.
After I divorced in my early 30's I had lost a lot of weight and was in fantastic shape. I was still weird looking, but I was skinny and weird looking and that was acceptable to others. I was trying to get out there like I never had, and I ended up with more attention than I could handle. I was enjoying finally being desirable but also pissed because I was still the same person I was before. I screwed up, I hurt people, I hurt myself. I developed a separate sense of self, like I was my own imposter. But I went with it anyway. I don't feel good about those times.
The second half of my 30s, after losing my parents, my family, 2020, came a great humbling. I stopped combining my hair, threw out my makeup and donated my uncomfortable clothing. I just didn't want to obsess about how I looked because it meant obsessing about being liked/accepted. I wanted to like myself, I wanted to be true. At one point I took some sexy photos of myself. I wanted to enforce my unique beauty by being what I was always told was ugly. Ugly and proud and deeply worth the space I took up. That was a therapeutic time but still somewhat shallow in hindsight.
Now, after cancer/health/life issues, I just look old. I don't have the youthfulness I used to have. Life beat the fk out of me. So now the dilemma is, as a single woman, is anybody ever going to love me for me? Will I ever find something real, with this face? With these wrinkles and sagging places?
Which makes me wonder, was it always just about looks? Does anyone really know me? Because I worked really hard to become the person I am, yet nobody knows me at all.
When does it all stop being so shallow?
I have never chosen someone because of their looks. I've always been very attracted to the person inside. Inner beauty radiates and that translates to all genders, ethnicities and outward appearance for me.
But I'm still always very aware that people are judging each other based on appearance. This duality makes me crazy. Seeing people deeply, but never believing I'm being seen deeply. When someone calls me beautiful, I just don't care. I wonder what good beauty is, if they don't know the real me. If there's nothing beyond how it all looks...
So here I am. Stuck between beauty as self care, or beauty as a way to score in life. I've experienced both sides, and it all only feels surface level. I want to be truly seen. I've overcome a lot of ego and let go of the need for others to like me. Within that, I've become completely invisible.
Perhaps it's just the other circumstances in my life right now, but I've never been this invisible before. I've never felt so unlovable. I am afraid of people thinking I'm attractive and being let down if they actually saw me. It's not because I'm hung up on how I look, I'm ready to let go of the superficial. Especially as I age. However the future looks lonely because most of what I've seen and experienced, is based on swipe left or right, send pics, filters, beauty standards, beauty advertising and attractive people getting ahead, which was how it worked for me when I was "attractive"...
I want to let it go. I want to be healthy, to love and be loved. But I feel too ugly to get my foot in any doors.
It's not about needing validation, the last thing I need is more superficial support. It's about being valued for who I am and the good I do.
Before anyone tells me to love myself, if anyone reads this at all, know that I'm good with me. I went through that journey and accept myself. I like me and don't see any need for changing my appearance unless I want to get dolled up and celebrate. I'm saying, I can tell the difference in how I'm treated when I'm dolled up and when I'm just being comfortable in my own skin. People treat you differently. I'm simply confused and complaining about the way it is in this animal kingdom. We choose based on attraction over substance. Influence over true strength.
I'm tired of being a meat bag. I want to be my spirit and my heart and my cleverness and curiosity. I want freedom from all these thoughts and expectations while still being lovable. I can't call this an issue with myself anymore. I can't dig deeper or change anything else within. I can't change the dynamics created by those who profit from insecurity.
This is a looong rant...
