jus feelings into words idk

I like crying without a reason to cry. The tears rolling down my cheeks are the warmest thing I've felt since my love for myself. I don't feel real anymore, my body feels so wrong and the mirror reflection feels more distorted than that of a car. I dont understand why I feel like this, maybe its just hormones or maybe it's something deeper, but I feel it so why just dismiss it? I don't understand sometimes. When I tell my her things, hoping she'll respond how a mother should, instead she acts as if what I say is insignificant, brushing it off as specks of dirt that got caught on your clothing, but I'm starting to realise, how I feel is valid. The only reason I feel this way is because of him. He makes me feel so alive and so real, now that doesn't mean that without him im not real, it just means I'm here, I'm here and I know it and I'm so aware. I'm aware of when I'm sad, I'm aware of when I'm scared, I'm aware of when I'm embarrassed, I'm aware of when I'm anxious, I'm aware of when I'm happy and I'm always aware that I'm in love. I am so utterly in love it's not even funny. Since when was I the type of person to be like this with people? Allowing them to see, and I mean really see my emotions. I've always been sent away, dismissed as if I were those specks of dirt, so I grew to dismiss myself before attaching myself to those pieces of clothing. But I made an exception, and yes, I still block him out sometimes, I still ignore him and cry and keep it all to myself, but I trust him. There are just some things that I can't even understand myself, and I just don't want him to worry, not any more than he already does. He is such a precious soul that is so extremely worthy of love and i have so much to give. I truly do. I want to find out things he loves and get him gifts whenever I can, I want to try new things to make him happy, I want to be there and let him know he's allowed to have emotions, I want to make him laugh and I want to understand every little thing about him, I want to get along with his family in hopes one day they'll become mine too. I want to heal him in ways that are physically impossible but it would never stop me trying. I want him, all of him. I don't know why I'm so scared of revealing myself to him because I know he'd never judge me, but it's so hard when my entire life that's all I've ever been. And I hate myself for ever judging him on little things because every time I do it, the next time I see my reflection it's my mother facing me. I don't want to be like her but she raised me and I so badly wish to change and I well and truly try but it's rooted in my brain. I'm judging someone who has nothing wrong with him, and the things I say don't change how perfect he is in my eyes, but what if he thinks it does? I'm scared of myself sometimes, my words hold so much power, I should know because others words do too. I need to be careful with them but my mouth moves faster with my brain and I always put the brakes on too late, you can't take back words that are already swimming around in someone else's brain, haunting them, and I know him, he overthinks so much, he'll hear something remotely bad and you take it and run with it, holding it in his hands, staring at it until he is convinced it's true, whether it is or not.