rant about university and being belittled

I'm taking the day off today. I'm super tired and couldn't sleep. unlike normally though I did actually attempt to sleep. it just wasn't happening. told my parents I have a cold and luckily they didn't press me about it. university has been stressful recently. my teacher told the entire class that we all failed this work we got handed and that we need to redo it. literally everyone hated doing it the first time so it's gonna be another drag attempting it again.

that also means that I have to redo my presentation. which again, just like last time, I'm dreading. being the centre of attention and having a bunch of people looking at me makes me want to puke. along side this we also have another big project that needs to be handed in by the end of the month and I don't think I can do it. I'm dyslexic and kinda stupid. the way our assignments are worded purposely try to confuse us and I really struggle with it. like if I fully understand the question, I can do the work. but I'm usually just guessing.

when I was a kid my teachers would shout at me if I needed help. and god forbid if I needed someone to explain something twice. I always try and be nice to teachers and don't want to be an inconvenience so when it comes to asking for help I usually wait for someone else to mention it. then I'll kinda just ease drop on the conversation.

I'm sensitive about my general intelligence. I can be slow sometimes and I often get confused during conversations because I don't understand a word someone used. like sometimes I'll even look the word up and still not understand. most of this is my fault though I suppose. back when I was little, and education was something I needed to be able to grow up properly, I wouldn't listen. I'd just sleep, play with my friends and I genuinely never listened during class. and its fucking me over now. no surprise.

it doesn't help that my friends have always seen me as the "dumb one" like through all the friend groups I've been apart of I was always the stupid guy. and recently it's lead to my friends treating me like a kid. they know it bothers me yet they always make fun of me. I never feel like they take me seriously. and when I bring it up to them suddenly I can't take a joke. as if I haven't let 100 other "Dylan is retarded" jokes pass in the last few hours. they're just so condescending about it. what's so hard about it? just stop making fun of me and stop talking to me like I'm a child.

I was originally going to talk about something else but this turned into a rant. is what it is. thanks for reading.