thoughts of suicide

when I think about it, not a day goes by where I don't entertain the idea of killing myself. and todays been no different. I was just chilling in the bath, kinda hating everything about my life. and I started thinking about killing myself again. I was wondering what would happen next. would it all just be black? would I end up in hell? I personally think it'll probably just be nothingness. just like before I was born. whilst I was sitting there, for a second I really was about to pick up a bottle of bleach. part of me just feels like life is purposely pushing me, saying "I bet you wont do it!" and when I'm feeling really down I just want to prove it wrong. obviously that's insane.

I'm not a stable person. what I just mentioned literally only happened like 20 minutes ago. I was close to going through with it yet right now I feel completely fine. it really doesn't take a lot to either improve my mood or make it worse. though it's definitely easier to make me feel worse. one of the main issues I've been struggling with recently is loneliness. I could be in a room with 100 other people that are going through the exact same thing as me and I'd still feel alone.

I don't understand why but I just can't relate to people in that sense. like sure, we've been through the same stuff. I know what that's like and maybe I could give you some advise. but knowing that you're going through the same shit as me doesn't make me feel relived that I'm not the only one or something.

admittedly I don't have many friends. and the ones I do have I don't get along with all that well. we're constantly a sentence away from full blown, screaming contests. my friends make no effort to be nice or patience and so I have to be the one to do that. but like I previously mentioned I am not a stable person. so sometimes I just can't take it. sometimes I give in and get mad.

I feel so alone. I don't think I can live like this for much longer. one of my biggest fears is finding out that maybe I really can't relate to anyone. maybe I'm going to stay alone forever. I just want one good friend. who I can feel comfortable around. but finding someone like that is such a complicated thing.

I hate to speak about it. but I'm a very jealous person. not outwardly. I would never go out of my way to make it known or to let that affect other people. but on the inside it kills me everyday. I could be doing fine and if I see or hear someone mention something I can't at this current moment experience I get really really depressed. like someone will mention that they went out with some friends and instantly it'll hit me like a truck. and voices will flood my head. saying things like "whilst they're making memories with friends, you're just sitting in your room being sad" and it's awful. it hurts so much. the emotional pain feels like physical pain. like someone's gripping my heart. I can't deal with it. it's suffocating.

I've spoken about this in a different post before. it's pinned on my account. but I spend pretty much all day pretending to be a female on another site. I just log in and wait for people to message me. and because my account is under female, messages come in real quick. I don't know if it helps but the notification sound for when you get a message just gives me a dopamine hit. it's stupid. I don't lead anyone on. I don't keep in contact with anyone. I'm asexual so nothing sexual happens. it's just a way to feel included I guess.

there's many reasons why I think about suicide. this post really only talks about one of the many problems I'm facing. I apologize if this post seems convoluted. I just want to write some stuff down. I don't really care if it makes sense or not. thank you for reading.