Failure.

I have moments where I'm weak. Where I know what I have to do to be happier but I just can't. I grow tired of fighting for myself. I'm something I hate. It's a sick joke of life to make me struggle for that. Even now I've never done it for me. I have a strong belief in the principle that value comes to those who bring value to themselves. So I work out. I have a job. I do what I can to be a happier healither person. I do these things in the hope that I can find that valuable someone who would recognize that I'm not entirely worthless. That I've made value. They haven't come and this loneliness can't be endured forever. I was supposed to get up today. I knew I had to. I knew doing that and being productive would have made me happier, but I just couldn't find the effort. Not today. I've failed as I'm not perfect and this is my fault.

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AmbivalentFriability · 26-30

You don't need to be so hard on yourself. It's okay to have "off" days where you feel so shitty all the willpower you can muster isn't enough. If you could have done it, you would have. Not being superhuman and being able to force your way through depression every damn day doesn't make you a failure. It's okay.

SW-User

I suppose I don't need to be this hard on myself. It's just upsetting when I know physically I'm able, but mentally not so much. It's easy to attack yourself when you know you're the problem.

AmbivalentFriability · 26-30

I've been in a similar place. It isn't easy to not feel an overwhelming sense of failure (followed by hopelessness, or the fear of feeling it) when you haven't done whatever it is you set out to do.

Someone with a broken leg technically might still be able to walk, but you wouldn't expect them to, not without having their broken bone set and their leg casted first, and a set of crutches (or a wheelchair) to help them get around.
And inanimate objects don't get tired, and they're easy to fix or replace when they break.
But we do get tired, and no one can replace us.
Staying alive and functioning is a hell of a job on it's own, being our own support system is another two ton weight on our back. Feeling like you're too exhausted to move or even breathe is understandable. No one worth listening to would tell you that you should feel bad for having bad days. Bad days are not a failure. They're a fact of life, more so when you are struggling with depression (I've been assuming that is what you're dealing with, please do correct me if I'm wrong). Even so, failure, is acceptable. We miss the mark all the time, but we've lived through every failure so far, we haven't failed so hard that we never got beyond the mental state of a 5 year old. :p

Being hard on people usually doesn't motivate or inspire people to do more for very long. If anything, it inspires resentment.
I'm sure you know you "shouldn't" be so hard on yourself, but knowing isn't quite the same as believing, eh? :p And this jagged pill is a hard sell, and harder yet to swallow.

[b]You deserve compassion as much as anyone else. You're worth the effort and patience it takes to learn self-compassion.
[/b]
I dunno, man. It's okay to not be okay, and it's okay to have a really fucking hard time not mentally beating the shit out of yourself. Hard things are, well, hard to do. ._.

Maybe I'm not "getting" you at all, regardless, hang in there. Take care. ✌️️