One of my many problems.
It hurts me to talk to people who never gave me a chance, or rather, never told me why... How come? I guess it just makes me feel shitty, you know? It makes me assume I'm ugly or my personality is bad. I mean they're single, they're interesting in dating, what's up? Now I'm not saying I only talk to people because I want romance or something more than friendship. That's not true, and I honestly don't ever see that happening with anyone, so I'm perfectly fine with only being a friend to people. That's not the issue. I don't even have to be treated like a possibility. If I immediately became a friend before anything could happen, I normally wouldn't care. It's just when there's no explanation... No reason. When you tell me "I don't know, You're not my type", or you avoid the subject... What am I supposed to think? That's right. I'm ugly. My personality is too. If that's not the case then even just telling me why would be great! I don't expect to be everyone's type. Maybe say something like, "I think you're a great friend, but I don't like this about your personality and that's what turned me off to anything more", or even "I'm not attracted to you because you're black and I prefer white" just give me something so I can understand exactly why I'm only a friend. Your politeness is killing me. One truthful specific reason that's not vague would mean the world to me. I'm crazy like that, so if you don't know? Then you better do some soul searching until you figure it out so my stupid imagination doesn't go and turn me into the ugliest human being alive because I don't understand why no one was ever interested in me... maybe this is why? Maybe it's because I think too much. Knowledge of being ugly is so much better than the assumption of it. At least knowledge stops there, as a truth. An assumption grows, it becomes this ugly bloated thing that bleeds into every aspect of my life. I feed it more and more until it crushes me under this weight that I made myself attempting to justify what I didn't understand because people left me in my own head about it. Give me a blank, and I'll put obscene words in it. Please... communicate... my brain does horrible things when you don't. Why couldn't I be normal and just not care? God, there's so much wrong with me.
