i miss being young

when I was young I was very sensitive and thoughtful of peoples feelings for example anytime I hurt someone I would run away and cry cause how bad I felt, or if someone called me something I would get really sad. When I was 9 I started self harming because I found that it helped control my feelings and whenever I got mad I would dig my long nails into my arm as hard as I could, and whenever I got mad I would do this to stop myself from hurting people becasue I just wanted to be nice. As I kept getting old I realised how shity and annoying people are and started hating everyone and not caring about them. I started watching gore when I was 10 It was relaxing in a weird way, at 11 I started fantasizing about how I would kill everyone and how they would look,how they would scream at me and it just felt so good to imagine it, and found myself sexually attracted to someone if i saw them in pain or bleeding. I'm 13 now and alot happier but When I get mad at someone it's now not like I want to I just can feel the anger all over me and It feels like I need to kill them. But I think its kinda funny I went from hurting myself to stop myself from hurting others to wanting to end peoples lives.