Misunderstandings.

My family tried to contact me again for the first time in years today. On the phone she asked me if I would see the family again. I told her "No". She started crying saying she didn't understand. I told her "I know". I would have said more if I didn't already try explaining things to her a thousand times before. I sat down in my garage, and I started to cry. Not because I missed any of them, but because it's been the same story my entire life. No one understands.

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IM5688 · 61-69, M

I don't know your story, but I do have an opinion for you to think about. You state that your family contacted you. If they reached out to contact you then they are obviously interested in opening some form of communication with you.
Whatever they did/didn't do/say or whatever you did/didn't do/say, I'm sure can be worked out.
You need to understand relationships. EVERY relationship, no matter what type, needs a basic foundation to build on. The 3C's - Communication, Commitment, and Compromise. If you can have this with your family, you are off to a good start. You, shut down communication with them, this will accomplish nothing. Try again.

SW-User

As I said, countless times I tried to communicate, and countless times they only put me down for it. Communicating with them was asking for emotional abuse as they call you all the names they can think of for someone they don't understand. I guess I could try to go back, if I was looking for that judgment again. If wanted to be treated like a freak.

IM5688 · 61-69, M

Contact them. Tell them right away that you are willing to communicate, but do not want any verbal abuse. No name calling, no put downs. You are willing to listen to their points of view IF and only IF they will listen to your points of view WITHOUT fighting, yelling, screaming at each other.
I also suggest, IF AT ALL POSSIBLE, maybe meet with them in a public place...a diner, a coffee shop, etc. In a public place, there would be less chance of any loud arguing, name calling, fighting, etc.
I hope I have been of some help to you and wish you the best of luck. If you wish, keep me posted, let me know how things turn out.

SW-User

@IM5688: I've tried that. It only works for a moment until I say or do something that sends them off again. If they manage to not attack me at that moment because we're in a public place or whatever, then they will later in private when they can't hold it in any longer. They aren't willing to compromise anything because they don't understand why they would or should. They think I'm wrong and they can't respect my feelings on these matters. I was with them for 18 years. Many times I tried to talk with them about things and asked them to not be mean about it. That doesn't stop them because when I start explaining my side of it they just gawk and get angry. Then they'll all talk behind my back about how crazy I am when they think I'm not listening and eventually when it comes up again, because it always does, they'll have another fit. I can feel the animosity in comments like, "oh that's my son, he's a little weird" to strangers or "you know he's in his own world, try to ignore it" to my sister or when they're particularly mad "what is wrong with you? where did I go wrong with you? you're insane, do you know how insane you sound?! It's not normal! You need to stop this and listen to your family!"

IM5688 · 61-69, M

The only other alternative I can think of would be to try to communicate with them one at a time. Try maybe to communicate with only your mother or sister or other family member. Do it as I said before, meet in a public place where you can talk, but do it one on one with them. Maybe after a few meetings with just one of them, that one may see you in a different light. They maybe then can act as a go between to the rest of the family. It might be worth a try.

SW-User

@IM5688: Maybe. To be honest with you I'm scared of them. It's never worked before, I don't see why it would now. Worst case scenario it doesn't, and my sister just laughs in my face again, or my mother just tells me not start with her, how am I supposed to deal with that? I got away from it and have finally been at the closest I've had to peace. Why would I want to make my life hell all over again by going back? They've always been that way. What on earth would change them? God knows it's not me. I don't think they're interested in understanding me. If it's not me feeling the same as them they don't want to hear it and if I ever see them, they make sure to let me know how much they hate that about me. Some people are just abusive. What good is going to see them? :(

IM5688 · 61-69, M

Well, you may be right, you may accomplish nothing and may open yourself up to more abuse....however, sometimes, as people get older, they tend to want to close the gaps and/or make peace with others. At least if things don't work out, at least you tried to communicate and make things better, it will be them that closed the door on you. so you need not feel guilty about it or feel that you failed.

SW-User

@IM5688: I don't think they'll ever change, I don't, but you're right. Time may have made them want to fix things. I guess it's up to me to forgive them enough to give them that chance. I guess it's just hard. When people have treated you like shit your whole life. It's hard to forgive and forget. Maybe I'll write them a letter or something, but I'm too scared to go see them. I'm just too scared. They're the meanest people I've ever known.

IM5688 · 61-69, M

OK, that's another alternative. I would suggest writing to each one separately, just in case one of them ignores it or tosses it, the others will still know that you tried to communicate. Also, their meanness may have mellowed or may be mellowed with your letter. as far as forgiving and forgetting, One never forgets mistreatment but forgiving, although never easy to do, makes you a better person.