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My Life Improved. I Feel Worse.

A few months back, I got my own home. Techincally, it's not just mine as I live with my sister and my neice but for the first time, I am sharing a house and not just staying in it. I've spent the last two years on a sofa without privacy or space of my own. I had no one except my girlfriend who is currently thousands of miles away. We've been together for about four years now. I've never even felt her skin.

Then I moved into this place. Got my own space. Nice comfy bed. The girlfriend and I started saving and we've managed to get enough together for her to come visit me. I started therapy. Got my sleeping pattern fixed. Everything was looking good.

Till I found out my sister was groped by a man who came into our house before we moved in. I was supposed to help decorate that day.. but I couldn't be bothered. So she asked a friend and he figured that in payment for his help, my sister would put out. Luckily, there were workers in the house dealing with some fixes that needed handling, and he was quickly interrupted and forced out of the house.

I didn't even find out until a month later. She went out and got drunk with my aunt. Came home. Broke down. I found her about to kill herself. She said it was my fault. That I didn't protect her. She was a real mess. I called my mom and asked her to come quickly. She said no until I made it clear that I wasn't giving her an option. I paid for her taxi and eventually she appeared. My sister got worse. I had to call an ambulance. She wouldn't stop trying to find ways to hurt or kill herself. Told me she would kill me while I slept and suddenly, everyone vanished. My sister was taken by the police, the paramedics left and my mom followed.

There is something quite lonely about being in a house after that. Something quite confusingly upsetting.

My sister was hurt and I failed to protect her. She took everything back when she got home the following day... but I can't just forget.

I suppose that's when my mood started to gradually get worse. It was harder to sleep. It was harder to focus. It was harder to be okay. My temper got increasingly unstable. I'm just agitated and frustrated.

My girlfriend and I are constantly arguing and I am pretty sure that it's my fault. I'm not the best boyfriend. I make a lot of mistakes. I say the wrong thing too often. I find that I make her frown more than I make her smile... and I can't help but think that she would be better off without me.

I got in touch with some old school mates, and damn, there's a particular kind of realisation that comes from that. To think that I've done nothing in 6 years and they're all in uni or travelling around the world, or starting their own companies. I've been sitting around in a depressive pit for 6 years. If I were to have died 6 years ago, nothing would have turned out differently. I've wasted it.

My brother asked me to go up for a drink. Him and his fiancee wanted to try out their new fire pit. My anxiety makes me hit the drink pretty hard. It used to be fine. Nothing bad would come of it. I'm a comedic drunk, but this time wasn't my best moment. I guess since it had been so long since my last drink, my tolerance wasn't so good anymore.

I can't remember the night... but I've heard that I fell alot, shouted alot, vomited a lot, walked around naked. Apparently, I made a few comments that I definitely should have been punched for. I was out of control.

... somehow, even though my quality of life has improved tremendously, I think more about returning to self harming now than I ever have since I stopped.

I feel really lost. Life has become a dazed vision.
Novascel · M
All I can say is its not your fault what happened.No one expects anything like that otherwise Im sure things would have been different.
And it sounds like shes just using you as a punching bag for her own emotions.Reflecting them onto you, trying to find a reason for what happened or something/someone to blame.To feel more in control instead of realizing that stuff like that sometimes just happens...

Ive gone rage mode on people(with permission) and even then I end up taking it out very rarely on some one.
Gaiia · F
Though experiences, I'm sorry your sister went through that and even she's hurting and going through that difficult situation, it's not your fault at all.. Those things happen.. you're in a very dark place if your life right, but don't compare yourself to others... Life isn't a race.. 🖤 Hope your sister and you find inner peace.
amelia25 · 22-25, F
I’m sorry about what happened to your sister but it wasn’t your fault, she shouldn’t blame you and neither should you. I’m sorry things are getting worse 😞 I’m always here if you need a friend, or someone to listen
Go easy on yourself, it's not your fault. I hope you & your sis find some peace.

 
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