Who else grew up with strict, religious and protective parents? what was your experience?

I am 31 and still live with my parents. I am planning to move out at the end of the year. My Parents have always been strict, religious, and protective. The issue with them is they believe everything that a man of God says. Pastor, Bishop, Minister etc..... My Mom spends the entire day on the Prayer line, listening to preachings and praying all day. They are always talking about how the world is such a dangerous place now and how people are crazy nowadays etc.. I tell them the world has always been that way. They only difference now is such incidents are being caught on camera. All my life I have done everything my parents wanted me to do. Ive graduated college, work as a designer and stayed out of trouble. I don't hang out or mingle with bad people. All my friends are productive people, who have jobs and live a good life. The only thing I have done wrong is not saving money, and seeing escorts which is something I will stop doing. The only conflicts I have been in are when I play Football (Soccer). But in sports due to competition there will always be conflicts. Even though life is dangerous I am not going to stay home and not go out. I'll still live my life, just will be careful and cautious. When I stay out late at night, drink alcohol, travel long distances they get upset. They fail to understand that I am 31 and not 13. I've been trying to move out but they make things so difficult. They fail to understand that in this life we can't stop certain things from happening.

I have 3 siblings and I am the one that have helped them out the most. I pay part of the rent every month and help them with things around the house. Their plan is to give me the apartment when they retire which will be in 1-2 yrs. I didn't mind with that plan. However with them not giving me my privacy (going through things in my room and not treating me like an adult. I often stay out after work until like 11 in the night. But I just be chilling outside with my friend, hanging out and talking. They will call me so many times to see where I am and what I am doing. I feel cuddled and it's really frustrating. They fail to realize that I am an adult. I choose to live with them, I don't have to live with them. I drink alcohol often and they keep riding me for that. I have done some stupid things while drinking, things I regret. But nothing too serious. It feel like they wrote the story of my life and I am just the character in it. Its gotten to the point that either they change or I will leave.

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hartfire Best Comment

Having a good job, there is nothing physical or financial that stops you getting a place of your own.

If you choose this option, they will probably still try to be overprotective via a cell phone - but there would be ways you could could limit their means of access.

Once you have this freedom, you will also have the means to discover more about yourself.

skip2mylou · 31-35, M

@hartfire Thats true, I could just grab my stuff and leave. Right now I see that as my only option, because I feel it will be hard for them to let me leave. There's nothing physically stopping me, but in my culture we have certain ways of doing things. If I just leave without their blessing it will be seen as disrespect. However at this time I will have to just leave with or without their blessing.

hartfire

@skip2mylou Then I'm guessing that perhaps you are living in India (or Pakistan or similar) in a highly traditional family where sons stay at home and their wives to come and live there - where the parents rule the house until they die or grow to old to manage. Is that correct?

It sounds as though you would prefer to leave with their blessing.
And they might feel nervous about losing the income you bring to the household.
Would it be possible for you to keep contributing as well as paying rent for your own place?
Could you offer them a reassurance that you would visit them frequently, maybe once a week or once a fortnight? Or perhaps phone home once a day or once every few days?
If they feel their needs are still getting met, they might be more open to giving you their blessing.
Have they arranged a marriage for you? Has that been an issue in the family?

skip2mylou · 31-35, M

@hartfire You seem to really understand my life. Yes my family is very traditional.

- When it comes to marriage they want me to marry someone from my country, which honestly I don't see happening. Ill marry who I want.

- I wanted to move to Philly or Connecticut because they are only about 1 hour to an 1 hour and a half away from NYC. So I could visit them a lot.

- We live in a 3 bedroom apartment. Just me and my parents, my other siblings moved out. I suggested they move into a 2 bedroom so that the rent is lower. I can still send them money and pay my rent at the end of every month.

- The biggest issue with my parents is they want me to do things the way they want me to do it. Its like the wrote the story of my life and I'm just a character in it.

hartfire

@skip2mylou This is a very difficult issue to negotiate when they are fixed in their ways and you want to retain a good relationship - but it's a noble goal, and I think it's possible.

Many first generation migrants prefer to bring their traditional values and ways with them. They often fear that they will lose their children to the new culture, and this can sometimes make them even more traditional and controlling. In this case, because your siblings have already left, they may fear even more that they will lose you.
Part of their fear will be based in the hope that someone will be there to look after them in their old age.
Another part is that they are used to a big household and lots of company. They may fear loneliness. They might even fear discovering what it feels like to be left alone with each other after so many years of very little privacy.
Possibly your mother fears losing the role that has given her her strongest sense of identity. She won't know what to do with her time, her life. That would feel lost and scary.
If you can get them to open up about their feelings, possibly you might be able to show them that they need not fear, because each of their needs can be met in many ways. And you could reassure them that you would continue to spend time with them (maybe nice outings and treats), and love, honour and respect them, and you'd be there for them if ever they are ill.

Maybe also, you could ask your siblings if they could give your parents a bit of extra time, and if they have kids, maybe your mother could do extra baby-sitting, if she would welcome that role.

Within Hindu culture (are you Hindus?), there is a tradition of empty-nesters taking a spiritual path (or a milder sectarian version of it). Maybe they might like to consider that.

Maybe one or both of them have always longed to have time for a hobby.

May I suggest you have a look at YouTube clips of Marshall Rosenberg teaching Non-Violent Communication?

There are also lots of good books on Conflict Resolution for families.
This is just one: "[i]The Conflict Resolution Toolbox
Models and Maps for Analyzing, Diagnosing, and Resolving Conflict[/i]"
by Gary T. Furlong

skip2mylou · 31-35, M

@hartfire Thank you so much, really appreciate it

hartfire

@skip2mylou You're welcome. :)
I wish you a successful transition.
Maybe you'll keep us updated with how it goes.
Warmly, Clothos