Things Beyond Recall But Never Beyond Regret?
At lunch today I had this painful memory come back to me. It does at least once a week.I hate that it does but it is important that it does...
When I was seven years old there was a severely mentally handicapped girl in our school. Mostly parents hide these children away in the Philippines where I grew up but her parents wanted to try and give their daughter as normal life as possible.
Every day at recess Karen was laughed at and made fun of by the other children a grade ahead of me. My friend and I heard the noise one day and went to see, I remember her standing at the classroom door which was elevated above the ground so she was standing above me. She was as usual being imitated and made fun of by so many children I can not even remember the number.
And I joined them. I don't remember what if anything I said but I know I laughed and made fun of her. I had a good time doing it.
Later at lunch two girls came over to me and my friend and asked me why I did not look like the rest of them because I was half white. Before I could answer her friend said I looked like a freak with my "white" nose and larger eyes and "weird" Spanish last name and thought it was funny. I was so hurt and asked why they said those mean things to me."Why did you do the same thing to our friend Karen this morning?" they replied.
I was humiliated. My friend told them to go away but I waved her off and said it was okay. The two girls said they said that to me cause they didn't think I was a bad person and wanted me instead to help them protect Karen from abuse. They asked me to think about it and left. My friend now was also ashamed but when I told her I couldn't finish lunch and felt dirty she said it was okay we just wouldn't make fun of Karen anymore. I went to class but just brooded on it until my teacher asked if I was feeling ill and sent me home early.
I was so ashamed of what I did I didn't tell my parents especially my father and decided with my child's mind to make up for it by being her best friend and beat up any girl who made fun of her. I took one of my necklaces and put it in a gift box and next morning at school went looking for her.
She was gone. Her parents had taken Karen out of school the day before. I said I was feeling sick and asked to go to chapel and I was allowed. I thought I was alright but when I came out I just started to cry and cry. Then one of the older and taller girls (I was short, then, too!) who must have seen me make fun of Karen the day before passed me and said "Cheer up, Abri - "Karen el retrasado se ha ido!" - Karen the retarded is gone. It was God's answer to my unhappiness cause I threw the box with the necklace at her and began slapping her. My teacher saw me and separated us and I had to explain to the nuns why I had done that. I said she insulted my friend so I hit her. They asked me if I knew what I had done was wrong and I said "No. I know what I did was right!" for which I was swatted and my father called to take me home with advice to punish me further because I was a "chica recalcitrante".
I still remember him holding my hand as I walked out of school, me without any remorse for what I had done. He said "My daughter Abri...like a pendulum! One day you tease that poor girl then next day beat up someone who called her names."
"I was trying to make amends." I said stubbornly.
"Yes...but you were won over to a better way of thinking not by being hit but by someone reasoning with you. We're going to get some ice cream...think about it."
I did. In the car going home I was quiet then said "Daddy, I have thought about it. I'm sorry, but the other way is just not my way."
He nodded and said "I didn't think it was."
That's day forever changed my life. When I talked again about it to my father he said it was a thing "beyond recall but never regret" and frankly I wish now almost sixteen years later I could forget it but also know it is better I do not.
Has anyone reading this also had something happen that is beyond recall but never regret?
Thank you for reading.
When I was seven years old there was a severely mentally handicapped girl in our school. Mostly parents hide these children away in the Philippines where I grew up but her parents wanted to try and give their daughter as normal life as possible.
Every day at recess Karen was laughed at and made fun of by the other children a grade ahead of me. My friend and I heard the noise one day and went to see, I remember her standing at the classroom door which was elevated above the ground so she was standing above me. She was as usual being imitated and made fun of by so many children I can not even remember the number.
And I joined them. I don't remember what if anything I said but I know I laughed and made fun of her. I had a good time doing it.
Later at lunch two girls came over to me and my friend and asked me why I did not look like the rest of them because I was half white. Before I could answer her friend said I looked like a freak with my "white" nose and larger eyes and "weird" Spanish last name and thought it was funny. I was so hurt and asked why they said those mean things to me."Why did you do the same thing to our friend Karen this morning?" they replied.
I was humiliated. My friend told them to go away but I waved her off and said it was okay. The two girls said they said that to me cause they didn't think I was a bad person and wanted me instead to help them protect Karen from abuse. They asked me to think about it and left. My friend now was also ashamed but when I told her I couldn't finish lunch and felt dirty she said it was okay we just wouldn't make fun of Karen anymore. I went to class but just brooded on it until my teacher asked if I was feeling ill and sent me home early.
I was so ashamed of what I did I didn't tell my parents especially my father and decided with my child's mind to make up for it by being her best friend and beat up any girl who made fun of her. I took one of my necklaces and put it in a gift box and next morning at school went looking for her.
She was gone. Her parents had taken Karen out of school the day before. I said I was feeling sick and asked to go to chapel and I was allowed. I thought I was alright but when I came out I just started to cry and cry. Then one of the older and taller girls (I was short, then, too!) who must have seen me make fun of Karen the day before passed me and said "Cheer up, Abri - "Karen el retrasado se ha ido!" - Karen the retarded is gone. It was God's answer to my unhappiness cause I threw the box with the necklace at her and began slapping her. My teacher saw me and separated us and I had to explain to the nuns why I had done that. I said she insulted my friend so I hit her. They asked me if I knew what I had done was wrong and I said "No. I know what I did was right!" for which I was swatted and my father called to take me home with advice to punish me further because I was a "chica recalcitrante".
I still remember him holding my hand as I walked out of school, me without any remorse for what I had done. He said "My daughter Abri...like a pendulum! One day you tease that poor girl then next day beat up someone who called her names."
"I was trying to make amends." I said stubbornly.
"Yes...but you were won over to a better way of thinking not by being hit but by someone reasoning with you. We're going to get some ice cream...think about it."
I did. In the car going home I was quiet then said "Daddy, I have thought about it. I'm sorry, but the other way is just not my way."
He nodded and said "I didn't think it was."
That's day forever changed my life. When I talked again about it to my father he said it was a thing "beyond recall but never regret" and frankly I wish now almost sixteen years later I could forget it but also know it is better I do not.
Has anyone reading this also had something happen that is beyond recall but never regret?
Thank you for reading.
