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Do you ever feel suicidal and its and effort to keep conversations up for them to think your happy and all you want to be is be on your own ? The more I feel suicidal the more I wake up to the false reality of life . Or is it ? I'm looking for a high all my life and when I have none of them I'm in contact with my real self which is a lot of disgust of the reality . Or is it ? Im after basing my happiness in others and when i dont get it i feel disappointed. Funny enough when all of that happens i have huge trust in God and that defiance I have in me says I don't need no one in my life to be happy and all of a sudden the peace comes . It's a strange paradox but it's true . They say when your at your best that's when to watch out for suicidal thoughts .