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Do you ever feel suicidal and its and effort to keep conversations up for them to think your happy and all you want to be is be on your own ? The more I feel suicidal the more I wake up to the false reality of life . Or is it ? I'm looking for a high all my life and when I have none of them I'm in contact with my real self which is a lot of disgust of the reality . Or is it ? Im after basing my happiness in others and when i dont get it i feel disappointed. Funny enough when all of that happens i have huge trust in God and that defiance I have in me says I don't need no one in my life to be happy and all of a sudden the peace comes . It's a strange paradox but it's true . They say when your at your best that's when to watch out for suicidal thoughts .

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TwiddlerofThumbs · F

Crosses my ind every day. On good days it's just a passing thought that scares me in equal amounts to the comfort the idea brings.
I think my brain sees it as an escape.
The days I dwell on the thought are the bad ones and they get darker from there. I tend to look for the approval of others to find happiness. And I know I can't do that. But being a continual disappointment does nothing for me either. Having no one wold be very freeing. But it is also very unsatisfying.

MakeAspirit · 41-45, M

@TwiddlerofThumbs it's so true . It's says in a part of the bible what brings you happiness in your life is the real cause that brings you pain . What the spirit wants is what the spirit don't need that's what it basically says . It's all a contradiction and very confusing . When the darkness comes it overflows with bad thought and for me not trying to frighten you but that I feel is the devil at its work . Even when your at peace a thought could come into your head and throw you .

TwiddlerofThumbs · F

@MakeAspirit You wont scare me. I know who my God is and I'm quite aware of my demons. They know how to play me like nothing else. What has helped me over the last few years gain a firmer ground on my sanity - over my desperation/depression - though not perfectly because I am me... is that I am very careful of what I fill my mind with. What I dwell on and think about. When I find myself spiraling I get out of the situation - away from the conversations and the people that very unintentionally encourage me to find the darker places in my life.
I try not to think about the past, but focus on the here and now and what I can do to get where I want to be.
And devil or not, I also am aware that it is my brain chemistry. The more I drink the darker I become. So as much as I enjoy my whiskey, it and I are rare friends these days.
December and January are always hard on me - February is even worse. I would like to say its the lack of sunlight and so on, but that has proven itself not true.
And I keep all conversations surface level with people who like to remind me that I'm really stupid in comparison to them.
I'm learning to be careful with me and those around me.