Am I crazy?

I had to abort for health reasons and because the father was a jerk. I'm young, single, studying, unemployed. It would be the end of my life, I would be undateable.

I had to do it, but I secretly wish I never did. I have counselling to deal with it but.

Recently Ive been having fantasies of being pregnant again, even for my friend, who has his own home and a good job.
I've been wanting to have a little human again, have a family, have someone to love and adore forever.


I know I'm being an idiot. I know that is silly, especially since my termination wasn't long ago.

It's just such a fascination and thing I want so badly to 'accidentally' happen.

Worst is - I haven't taken birth control since..