I am not depressed or suicidal, but is it strange to think of death as "the ultimate sigh of relief"?

So did I. Cheering people up. Goofy and shit. Compassionate, patient. Least likely to get depressed. Last year something happened and I havent smiled ever since. It changed my whole being. My life is not worth living under the current circumstances and I have been contemplating suicide ever since. The pain is consistent. The only relief is the absence of feeling it, the avsense of consciousness. Thus suicide. Yesterday I cursed God. Then I felt even more abandoned. Could not sleep. I am facing a disaster. And as much as I want to solve the problem my life energy has dropped to a lowpoint I havent seen before.