I honestly don't think I am capable of truly loving someone
What I'm about to say is something I've never really written out or really told anybody in depth. I truly don't think I am capable of actually loving someone. Yes, in the past I have been in relationships and never really felt anything deep down for anybody it was more performative than anything. I felt like I was following instructions for how to be a good boyfriend or how to show love. I guess you can say I was detatched emotionally but kept trying not to be. I'd hug someone and feel nothing, I'd kiss someone and feel nothing. Intimacy I wondered when will it be over and to be honest I really don't have a sex drive, I never really did and forced it because the other person wanted it which leads back to the performative boyfriend. I felt bad but I couldn't force myself to feel or want and was often relieved when things didn't work out.
I think a lot of it has to do with how I was raised and how I was treated growing up. My mom had me young she was 15 and to her I was just something she was made to take care of. I was the consequence of her actions and I often felt she just did things because she had to or was made to. She wasn't really an affectionate person either and a lot of her relationships from what I can remember weren't always the healthiest. I can express myself on paper no problem but out loud was always hard. I came from a home where if you said how you really felt it was either invaldidated by going well you have problems so do I and mine are worse. If I expressed how I felt sometimes it was even weaponized against me. I remember being in roughly 2nd grade and spoke out about how I felt it was unfair for me to do all these chores and how I thought slavery was illegal and I got smacked for that and shouted at. I had to do dishes, I had to sweep and mop, I had to do a ton of different things because she didn't want to and pushed them off onto me. I grew up feeling unwanted often and thank god for my grandparents because they made me feel loved and wanted at least. I also tend to bottle everything up inside and just scream internally most of the time or if I do express something it's usually anger because man did I get exposed to a ton of that. Shouting and yelling was normal while crying and sharing how we felt was not.
Now by saying all of that I always had a hard time believing that someone could actually be attracted to and like me. I always thought it was a joke because growing up I felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone. To this day even at 50 I still do NOT feel good enough for anyone. I often wonder is this a joke? Are they settling because of lack of options or how long until someone better comes around and I'm dropped. Someone can be showing genuine signs of interest and my first instinct is to always set it on fire before I get burned or question them trying to catch them in a lie or something. I look for something to go A HA see it wasn't real or I knew I couldn't be loved or genuinely wanted. I think even to some extent I don't let myself feel or get too close either as a guard or a defense.
I know I sound very toxic and probably crazy but this is how I truly feel under what I force myself to be when on dates or trying to put myself out there. Part of me wants to be loved but I don't know if I can truly return the feeling back to someone else.
I think a lot of it has to do with how I was raised and how I was treated growing up. My mom had me young she was 15 and to her I was just something she was made to take care of. I was the consequence of her actions and I often felt she just did things because she had to or was made to. She wasn't really an affectionate person either and a lot of her relationships from what I can remember weren't always the healthiest. I can express myself on paper no problem but out loud was always hard. I came from a home where if you said how you really felt it was either invaldidated by going well you have problems so do I and mine are worse. If I expressed how I felt sometimes it was even weaponized against me. I remember being in roughly 2nd grade and spoke out about how I felt it was unfair for me to do all these chores and how I thought slavery was illegal and I got smacked for that and shouted at. I had to do dishes, I had to sweep and mop, I had to do a ton of different things because she didn't want to and pushed them off onto me. I grew up feeling unwanted often and thank god for my grandparents because they made me feel loved and wanted at least. I also tend to bottle everything up inside and just scream internally most of the time or if I do express something it's usually anger because man did I get exposed to a ton of that. Shouting and yelling was normal while crying and sharing how we felt was not.
Now by saying all of that I always had a hard time believing that someone could actually be attracted to and like me. I always thought it was a joke because growing up I felt that I wasn't good enough for anyone. To this day even at 50 I still do NOT feel good enough for anyone. I often wonder is this a joke? Are they settling because of lack of options or how long until someone better comes around and I'm dropped. Someone can be showing genuine signs of interest and my first instinct is to always set it on fire before I get burned or question them trying to catch them in a lie or something. I look for something to go A HA see it wasn't real or I knew I couldn't be loved or genuinely wanted. I think even to some extent I don't let myself feel or get too close either as a guard or a defense.
I know I sound very toxic and probably crazy but this is how I truly feel under what I force myself to be when on dates or trying to put myself out there. Part of me wants to be loved but I don't know if I can truly return the feeling back to someone else.
46-50, M
