I Have Something On My Mind

Lately I have not been as dedicated to god as I should have. I've been gossiping, thinking bad about my sister and mother, fueling my heart with hatred again. Didn't attend church because I thought ''What's the point?''. I have to say sometimes I'm not sure if I should follow God as I think is right or how the bible says. Because I started to feel bad about everything I do and asked myself ''Does God want me to question my existence? Am I doomed to fall into darkness?''. I live in a big house with my family, it's old but beautiful and yet I feel I don't deserve it.

You see, when I moved to India with my husband, I saw all the poverty and even though people that make the same income there as in my country, they can't afford half a beautiful apartment. Yet, it seemed, that the people in India are happier because they have family they look after and care about. My husband makes good money and I enjoyed having wealth and not worrying about paying my bills for once, as I was poor too, but seeing other people not having as much as me made me feel ashamed of myself. Shame that I didn't share, shame that I had become what I hated.

I was very shy few years ago, I let people use me and I never stood up for myself, I didn't have enough money to go out with people and often borrowed some from my brother. Yet I had less worries, now I'm fighting with myself and I don't even know why.