Sad, bad and awfully good

How are you? To be really honest and deeply personal for once, I've tried for decades almost anything to get myself out of a hole. The villain of the piece isn't really big star depression as such, because there's much more going on, but then again it causes those damn black dogs to bark at me often enough. No, what I was feeling, and still feel at times, is an almost total emptiness inside, and that occured especially when my mom died ten years ago. Now I know why and it's for sure still there, and it's because there was no-one left that loved me for the person who I was and not for the person that I either pretended to be, longued to be or they actually wanted me to be. Mind you, I do have moments of warm feeling of companionship at times coming from relationships with people who love me, but never of someone who truly loves me for the sad person that I am. I'm a very sad person indeed. I'm not going into the details of that here and now, but I'll put one fact down that kept me going. One only gets out of it by oneself. Get your strenght out of anything out there, even faith or spirituality. I went to meditate upon life in 2003 on the island of Iona, Scotland, and found tranquility there again but not yet insight. After my mom died I went back to church, for it's true that one gets more out of spending time with other people than without, and found yet more strenght deep inside myself. Now I know my weaknesses but I'm not strong enough yet. I'll post an update in another decade or so again