I Live In My Head Too Much

It is not uncommon for me to come here to unload everything that has been swirling around in my head, begging to be set free - but has been held onto so tightly out of fear of others reactions. It seems a bit ridiculous when putting it like that - as if the only reason to lock it up inside if out of fear of others opinions. The truth is there is so much more fear that goes along with it. I know deep down I am - in part - scared of myself, and scared of accepting the problems I have and the help I need. So instead I leave it trapped in my head, festering for as long as I can before I feel that I will explode. This past week has been that for me - a feeling that an explosion is on its way. I have so many things bottled up inside I feel like its only a matter of time before they are going to come flooding out, tears and all. I guess thats why I decide to turn here first, in hopes that unloading here first will help prevent the hurricane that is brewing insides me. The truth is that I have been in a bit of a dark space lately. Most days I am able to cover it while around people and often I even actually feel good for a change when I'm around the right people of course. But once I'm back to being alone with just me and my thoughts thats when it consumes me again. I feel like I'm not enough, like I can't be enough or worthy. I often look at myself in disgust and with dread. I have done my best to avoid falling all the way back into old habits - I've done pretty good at avoiding falling back into full blown eating disorder or self harm but its hard and not without a few slip ups here and there. The darkness has been lingering for sure, but I'm not prepared to let everything to take over my life again.