I Think a Lot
I had a lot of thoughts lately about my values and what my goals should be for my son and I. I have always tried to defy culture and "norms". Of course, not all norms and culture are bad. I embrace the good ones especially when it is in line with the path I want to lead. I dispel the bad ones that harms me, pressures me and makes me lose myself and my values.
The conversation with my mother in law last week sparked this in me. She begged me not to leave. Even offered "assurance" that I do not need to worry about money (she is rich), that my son will have free schooling from kindergarten to university (she owns an international school which promises Harvard entry) and that if I move to her country, I will be less stressed with the care of my son because they have a nanny and a maid.
I am unfazed really. Because at the end of it all, my soon to be ex-husband and my mother in law does not know me at all.
I rejected all the "assurance" she gave me.
It is not the kind of life I want to live. I don't live this life aiming for wealth, a prestigious school and a life of ease and being waited on. If I had wanted that, I would have done so earlier. If I had wanted that, I would not have chosen the stay home mum career.
I want a life of simplicity, minimalism and being present for myself, my son and people around me. And it is hard for some people to understand this. I want a life of less material burden, breathing space and going at my own pace. I guess it is really hard for people to get me when you are living in this urban jungle.
Despite the hurt and heartbreak from my marriage, I am so much better and more at peace now. Not 100 percent but working on healing and repairing my soul.
Call me selfish. If I had chosen those things she offered me, I would have to go back to my husband and bear his passive aggressive behaviour, his lack of respect for me and the emotional stress he caused me. I can't go back now. I can't be that women by his side anymore. I would lose myself. And I know people around me would say why not? "Go back to your husband and your son will live in riches and have a promising future. That is a mother's sacrifice." No, I want my son to learn that he needs to work hard for something. A good school and money does not help him live up to his name. It is his character.
The conversation with my mother in law last week sparked this in me. She begged me not to leave. Even offered "assurance" that I do not need to worry about money (she is rich), that my son will have free schooling from kindergarten to university (she owns an international school which promises Harvard entry) and that if I move to her country, I will be less stressed with the care of my son because they have a nanny and a maid.
I am unfazed really. Because at the end of it all, my soon to be ex-husband and my mother in law does not know me at all.
I rejected all the "assurance" she gave me.
It is not the kind of life I want to live. I don't live this life aiming for wealth, a prestigious school and a life of ease and being waited on. If I had wanted that, I would have done so earlier. If I had wanted that, I would not have chosen the stay home mum career.
I want a life of simplicity, minimalism and being present for myself, my son and people around me. And it is hard for some people to understand this. I want a life of less material burden, breathing space and going at my own pace. I guess it is really hard for people to get me when you are living in this urban jungle.
Despite the hurt and heartbreak from my marriage, I am so much better and more at peace now. Not 100 percent but working on healing and repairing my soul.
Call me selfish. If I had chosen those things she offered me, I would have to go back to my husband and bear his passive aggressive behaviour, his lack of respect for me and the emotional stress he caused me. I can't go back now. I can't be that women by his side anymore. I would lose myself. And I know people around me would say why not? "Go back to your husband and your son will live in riches and have a promising future. That is a mother's sacrifice." No, I want my son to learn that he needs to work hard for something. A good school and money does not help him live up to his name. It is his character.
36-40, F
