For so many years now, as the day of Joe’s death has rolled around, I’ve spent thousands of words in trying to explain how I feel at the time. Far too words have I used in remembering the things we shared and did together over a lifetime cut far too short…
I find myself today remembering his 4th Christmas. He was so into GI Joe at the time. I had some money that year and I got to the stores early. I spent multiple hundreds of dollars on play sets, and vehicles, and like 50 action figures. But as I so often did I procrastinated on the wrapping. Before I knew it time was running against me and there was just so much to do.
I never did get too many things wrapped. Instead I found myself putting him to bed early with stories of Santa and how he never came when little boys were awake. And, he believed me.
He was such a good little kid and he was always so happy and filled with life. So fun to be around, even in his mischievousness and his pushing of boundaries. Just 4 months before I had awoken to a splashing sound. Only to find him with a can of Quik, and a half gallon of milk, pouring them both out on the carpet and jumping around. When he saw me he said, “Look Dad, I’m making mud.” He was so proud of himself. I was pissed!
But that Christmas Eve, I stayed up all night putting together all the many different things I got him. Placing stickers and snapping together all the parts. Setting up the good guys and the bad guys in some epic battle scene all across the living room. Dozens of action figures with their guns and rocket launchers and parachutes hanging from the tree. I remember him waking me up a half hour after I went to bed and asking me if Santa came. I remember saying that I wasn’t sure. I remember the worry on his face and feeling bad for a second. “Hopefully he didn’t remember the chocolate milk thing you did. We should go check just in case.” I said to him. He was so trepidatious.
“Dad, he forgot! He forgot, Dad!”
We played all morning long with those stupid action figures, and then moved onto his new Sega Genesis hockey game, NHLPA.
Joe was a good kid. A little bastard at times, and a lot to handle, but a good hearted kid. He grew up to be a good, but rambunctious teen, he went on to be a good friend to his adulthood friends who may or may not have deserved him?
And nothing for nothing no matter what some people might think of me..., He deserved more from life than some of you!
Life is funny sometimes and it’s quite often harder than it should be for so many of us. But when the world steals away the people you love, maybe we need to try harder to remember the things and the times ? Maybe feeling the loss and the pain isn’t really the way to go?
Yet here I sit crying as I type wishing he and I were still making memories together. Having our arguments. Getting along. Spending time with each other and everyone else. Being proud and disappointed…. But yeah…, he’s gone and I remember the good things too.
