Time to get up
It appears that another of my batch jobs has finally finished up its execution. It returned its results to me in one of the more common formats; my dreams.
I have been mulling over these insanely vivid dreams I have been having lately - even reaching a state of lucidity in the last two – and I believe I understand now what my mind has been telling me.
Ironically enough, it is the same thing you have been telling me, my love.
I have withdrawn from the world this last year or so. I have sat down in front of my computer and not got back up again. You have even flat out said this to me a few times, but it is as if I was so far gone that the words never reached me… just logged a ticket for a long-running batch process. I see it now, though, my love. I only regret that it took me so long to do so. It is not like this is the first time I have displayed this behavior; it is one of my more common loops.
I retreated into my computer for a few years after the death of my mother. I did the same after high school when I was crippled by social anxiety. Now it seems that I have done the same again – this time due to the nature and stress of my work. I see it all so clearly now; why you hate them so much.
I have been struggling to see why my employer has earned so much of your scorn when most of the related fights we have seem to be things that were not within their control either. But that is where I fell short of your argument. The situation might not be in either their control or mine, but I am within their control to some extent if I am employed by them. The situation is then a direct result of their control of me. It also makes sense why I was so reluctant to indulge a thought that anyone other than us can have some authority over me. I have, after all, always prided myself on being independent and unyielding.
Regardless, I see the situation now, which hopefully will allow me to take some of the power back. I cannot allow myself to become shutdown as a result of my work. It is unacceptable and it is not fair to you either, my love.
So I have made the conscious decision to stand up now, my love. Not only for the sake of my back😉 I resolve to re-enter the world, because this is where I want to be… by your side. We are at an exciting and beautiful time in our lives, and I do not want to let this pass me by because I have slipped into the virtual space instead. Computers have always been a great solace to me, but they are not my reason for being… they are not the most important thing in my life. I cannot lose focus of what is most precious to me, you deserve more.
I believe that recurring dreams usually happen because our minds keep spamming us with the results of a query, until it is eventually received. I have received my message now. All the red flags that were ignored are no longer so, and the powerlessness I felt, left behind in the answers I sought.
I did not have that dream again last night, and I believe this is why. The message has been delivered and processed.
I have been mulling over these insanely vivid dreams I have been having lately - even reaching a state of lucidity in the last two – and I believe I understand now what my mind has been telling me.
Ironically enough, it is the same thing you have been telling me, my love.
I have withdrawn from the world this last year or so. I have sat down in front of my computer and not got back up again. You have even flat out said this to me a few times, but it is as if I was so far gone that the words never reached me… just logged a ticket for a long-running batch process. I see it now, though, my love. I only regret that it took me so long to do so. It is not like this is the first time I have displayed this behavior; it is one of my more common loops.
I retreated into my computer for a few years after the death of my mother. I did the same after high school when I was crippled by social anxiety. Now it seems that I have done the same again – this time due to the nature and stress of my work. I see it all so clearly now; why you hate them so much.
I have been struggling to see why my employer has earned so much of your scorn when most of the related fights we have seem to be things that were not within their control either. But that is where I fell short of your argument. The situation might not be in either their control or mine, but I am within their control to some extent if I am employed by them. The situation is then a direct result of their control of me. It also makes sense why I was so reluctant to indulge a thought that anyone other than us can have some authority over me. I have, after all, always prided myself on being independent and unyielding.
Regardless, I see the situation now, which hopefully will allow me to take some of the power back. I cannot allow myself to become shutdown as a result of my work. It is unacceptable and it is not fair to you either, my love.
So I have made the conscious decision to stand up now, my love. Not only for the sake of my back😉 I resolve to re-enter the world, because this is where I want to be… by your side. We are at an exciting and beautiful time in our lives, and I do not want to let this pass me by because I have slipped into the virtual space instead. Computers have always been a great solace to me, but they are not my reason for being… they are not the most important thing in my life. I cannot lose focus of what is most precious to me, you deserve more.
I believe that recurring dreams usually happen because our minds keep spamming us with the results of a query, until it is eventually received. I have received my message now. All the red flags that were ignored are no longer so, and the powerlessness I felt, left behind in the answers I sought.
I did not have that dream again last night, and I believe this is why. The message has been delivered and processed.
