I hate goodbyes to those I love

But for example my ex boyfriend was happier when he found his future wife two and a half years ago. He didn’t want to remain good friends after he started seriously dating her and got engaged. He said goodbye to me in a kind way but the abandonment still hurt. He asked me not to write to him too much but what he meant was not at all and he told me to please take care and have a good life. Just ouch..,I tried to save the friendship and wrote messages and emails but he never answered so I just gave up. I hurt him by breaking up with him in the first place even though I asked to get back together a few days to a few weeks later. He thought it wasn’t good for my future to continue dating him online and long distance. I broke up with him because of my problems and wanting to protect him from my personal issues when things reached their worst. Even a good friendship like he promised wasn’t acceptable after he got engaged. Eight months of awkwardness but still there for each other. It was my fault for breaking his heart. What hurts the most is he no longer even cares about me at all, not even as a friend. When I told him all the negative events that happened in my life he never answered. He loved me once upon a time but it quickly transferred to a new lady. Ironically before we were ever a couple we started out as close friends from experience project. I hoped that despite not working out as a couple after seven to eight years we could still be good friends. He told me he would always be my friend. We broke promises to each other. My promise of always being his girlfriend and eventually fiancee and wife and staying forever as a couple was broken. He broke his promise of friendship to me. I was devastated but understand now for him to move forward he had to leave me behind. He is happier now I feel like and I don’t like goodbyes to someone I love. I will always love him deep in my heart though he just stopped caring about me. The ironic thing was he was so sensitive and caring while we were together and even the first few months after the breakup. I have to learn to let him go even if he is still always in my memories, thoughts, and dreams. He chose goodbye to me. I can’t force him to be my friend again. I’m learning to live with the loss of my lover and best friend my soulmate. I just have to remind myself he is happy now and let that be enough for me. I know goodbyes are a part of life and it’s a lesson learned in time. Yet I know it was the right thing to set him free so he wouldn’t have to wait many more years for me to be a functional, thriving adult and living on my own and dealing with my low motivation to change my life and my mental illnesses. So I broke if off for him to find someone better for him less toxic and more psychologically healthy. Maybe I shouldn’t have made that choice for him but I realized I had a psychotic break with reality and I felt I no longer deserved his love. We had a mostly good relationship. We didn’t argue or fight too much. But sometimes I was depressed and took longer to get back to him and wrote short replies a few hours later so he just did his own thing and didn’t want to bother me. He felt ignored and unloved at times. I put him through that pain. I was not the best girlfriend at times. To be honest during the course of our relationship I didn’t feel like I deserved him sometimes because I didn’t listen to him about two to three of my so called friends who tried to make a pass at me even though they knew I was in a long distance relationship and online relationship. He told me he saw that happening and I didn’t listen.until my “ friends” just tried to put ideas in my head and tried putting the moves on me. I stopped the friendships after that but I still left terrible for not listening to him. I could have done so many things differently. I could have finished my studies online and started getting income to save up money to bring us together. I failed him and I failed myself. I have to learn to forgive myself for my mistakes. Maybe in the end I deserved to be told goodbye too. At least he found love again and had his heart healed.
Goodbyes to loved ones are really tough and the pain though it dulls with time still remains. I always thought we would be there for each other but it was not to be.