I lost the love of my life through my own fault

But now I am learning to live without him but keep the spirit of shared love and those precious memories we had. He will always be there in spirit. I wonder how he is doing now and if he had his dreams come true. I let him go so he wouldn’t be dragged down by my mental illnesses and low motivation to change my life three years and three months ago. He did find someone else and got engaged two and a half years ago. It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. Granted a few days later to a few weeks I asked to get back together again as I felt I made a huge mistake. But he felt I needed someone closer to home to love me and he thought maybe getting back together with him wouldn’t be good for my future. I just had to have a psychotic break from reality a few weeks beforehand. You know as time passed I thought I no longer deserved his love especially with on certain occasions making him feel unwanted and ignored when I took quite a few hours to answer back his text messages during my depressive slumps. Being in a long distance relationship and being online was really tough. He paid me a lot of attention text messaging me twice a day we could do voice calls and video calls on a regular basis. He wanted to be with me forever and was hoping I would bring us together by finishing my studies and working a decent career job. He didn’t make much money only a few hundred per month at his accounting job in India. So he was hoping I could bring us together in real life. We had obstacles in our way such as him needing his job and it wasn’t a remote flexible schedule job and he helped his brother take care of his aging parents financially. I would have had to support him financially if he came to America on a tourist visa and truly I wouldn’t have minded doing that. I would have been glad to give him a few hundred a month to send back to his parents in India. I wish I could have made a lot of money so I could help support myself. I could have also paid off my student loans without my parents helping me and helped my sister pay for university instead of her having to take out student loans and my parents help her Pay them back. Sujeet waited for years for me to do something with my life. He wanted me to be independent and self sufficient just like my family. He kept asking me if I finished my online studies. Vocational courses and when was I going to do them again and finish as they were self paced and you had lifetime access to them. I made a lot of mistakes like dropping out of university after my third year of college and didn’t finish my vocational courses when I got flustered and overwhelmed on the content and final exams. If I had done both, I would probably be decently employed or self employed. I just kept procrastinating and because of that I didn’t change my life and start to save up money. We had dreams of living together and marriage etc. I couldn’t go to India because I was not a functional thriving adult with a flexible, remote career. There were a lot of obstacles stacked against us. We were truly in love but sometimes love is not enough to overcome obstacles even if it should be. I had been with this wonderful man between seven and eight years. I’ll never forget him and all the love and affectionate devotion he showed me. Time has patched up the wound but it hasn’t healed. I still remember a lot from when we were together as a couple. He will always be in my heart and I will never forget him until the day I die and maybe beyond that. I feel though we went on separate paths and we are distanced by physical distance and him marrying someone else, I feel that bond we made cannot be broken in spirit. I look over my shoulder and I see him. True love doesn’t die even if the relationship ends. It’s too bad we couldn’t stay good friends even though we didn’t work out as boyfriend and girlfriend. But he obviously thought completely cutting ties was for the best after he got engaged. I don’t blame him for not wanting to cause discord in his marriage. Having an ex girlfriend as a friend would make the wife suspicious and jealous. I still love him so much and I miss him. He loved me too but decided to let me go for both of our sakes. He wished me to take care of myself and to have a good life going forward. Not even when I told him I had cancer for a little while did he respond to me. Two and half years without a word. It still stings. I have to trust he is living his best life without me dragging him down. I wish I could have been the one to be his life mate and wife but I feel now I didn’t try hard enough for us when we were together. I sometimes cry when I listen to a song that reminds me of him and yet also smile at the same time. I know he is alive but in a way it’s like he passed away. I would always be there for him as a good friend if he let me even though I let him down as his girlfriend. But I can’t change the past but I can change my present and future. He abandoned me as a friend but I still wish nothing but blessings and dreams coming true for him. He was extremely kind, gentle, and understanding with me. Even when I messed up he still stayed with me having the patience of a saint..for example, I didn’t listen to him when he told me two or three of my supposed “ guy friends” were going to try to hit on me and put the moves on me. He was right but I did not listen because I wanted friends. After the bullshit of hitting on me and yes the homophobia of a couple of my so called friends, I ended the friendships because I was not going to be around someone who was trying to take me away from Sujeet. They didn’t respect that I was in a relationship that was online and long distance and tried to put ideas in my head. It was disgusting. The point my ex boyfriend warned me and I didn’t listen until it was too late but he still stayed with me even though I didn’t listen and he was proven right time and time again. He was very intuitive and he knew me almost as well as I knew myself. Anyway being without him sucks but there’s nothing I can do except take the precious memories and love. I just have to accept his wishes though I don’t like this. I I hope he is happy with his wife ( I assumed if he got engaged then he must have married) and that he , his wife, and his blood family have long, happy, and healthy lives. I hate goodbyes from someone I love. Yet sometimes you love someone so much you know they will be happier without you and you need to let them fly. I hope he had the time of his life. I don’t think he would have broken up with me first for a long time but even saints get tired of waiting. Sometimes I have to remind myself I made the best choice for him even though it hurt both of us. He was and is still my everything no amount of time has changed a thing. Well too late to fix that but at least he got a happy ending. I never bothered to find anyone else because my heart never left Sujeet. I feel I will be single for the rest of my life and you know what I’m oddly ok with that. I’ll be like an auntie /spinster from the olden days. I can fill my life with hobbies/passions:interests/talents/skillsets/aptitudes, education, part time careers, family, friends, travel ( when I get a chance). I probably am meant to be alone anyway with no significant other or spouse. I mean I would feel really uncomfortable only taking up one side of the bed anyway. Sujeet was probably my last relationship and he’s the one I will remember for the rest of my life. I hope he still thinks of me once in a while and remembers all the moments we
Shared. My first true love is completely gone but I have to be a big girl and find ways to lessen the pain in a healthy manner. It’s going to be ok someday I’ll always remember but eventually I’ll be only left with love.