Saying goodbye to Spencer

I never got to say goodbye to her
I never got to go to her funeral
I never got to go to her grave
I didn't even know where she was until now.

Seeing her grave was hard.
It was a simple stone saying her name the date and beloved daughter. That's it.

It's clear no one was visited her in a while earlier. So we cleaned out around the stone and I laid the flowers down that I got her. Different colors of tulips. They were her favorite.

Saying goodbye was the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't think I've cried like this before in my life. I hurt so much. Everything hurts right now. Everything is numb right now. This hurts so much

But I did it. I got to say goodbye to her

This sister of mine

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Musicman · 61-69, M

I am so sorry for your loss. 💔😥😥😥 How come no one let you know what was going on?

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Musicman my mother blamed me for her death and wouldn't let me go to the funeral or anything. I've been struggling with this guilt for years

Musicman · 61-69, M

@Cigarguy I am so sorry to hear this. How could her death possibly be your fault???? 🤷‍♂

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Musicman the day she was hit by a car my parents where supposed to pick her up from school. I always rode the bus. I was having a very bad day at school and they wouldn't let me get on the bus so they had to come get me and my sister walked home. She was hit and killed that day. If they didn't have to pick me up she would still be alive

Magicianzini · M

@Cigarguy It's not your fault and your parents were wrong to blame you.

Of what I've seen of life, she would have just died some other way.. maybe in a day or two, maybe three.. but she still wouldn't be here. Wishing these words are not too much or too strong for you.. but I've lived a lot of life, and this is what I've seen repeatedly, many times.

It's really not your fault... and you must forgive yourself. You are not the bringer of death. Death comes by its own accord.

Cigarguy · 41-45, M

@Magicianzini I am working on this and starting to realize it wasn't my fault. It was my mother's

Magicianzini · M

@Cigarguy Proud of you bro!! Good for you!