I Have Thoughts That Keep Me Up At Night
Today I listened to a podcast that got me thinking about something I once heard that turned my stomach and today I realized it was still bothering me.
I had a coworker back in around 2004 that was going through really tough times in her marriage, and was pretty much checked out. One day she says that she lies awake at night
I remember thinking how I would live in such a way that the women in my life would never think that about me. That is one of the most horrible things to be a family man I think, and to have your woman think so lowly of you. That you don't even deserve to breathe.
I look at myself now and even though I have stepped up and done a lot for our family I do feel so alone. Of course I know it's not very masculine to think in such a way. But I know I don't really "do it" for my wife and for all the really damaging things she has said, and the actions she's taken at times, I wonder if after all my striving I'm living in the realm of that statement that disgusted me.
I hate to make assumptions, but it feels really hopeless to think that after all the work you do, and the efforts you put in to be your wife's lover, that this is at the end of it all. It's really disturbing. And it's keeping me up tonight.
I had a coworker back in around 2004 that was going through really tough times in her marriage, and was pretty much checked out. One day she says that she lies awake at night
wishing that her husband would just stop breathing
. She later ended up getting a divorce and starting to date another one of my coworkers.I remember thinking how I would live in such a way that the women in my life would never think that about me. That is one of the most horrible things to be a family man I think, and to have your woman think so lowly of you. That you don't even deserve to breathe.
I look at myself now and even though I have stepped up and done a lot for our family I do feel so alone. Of course I know it's not very masculine to think in such a way. But I know I don't really "do it" for my wife and for all the really damaging things she has said, and the actions she's taken at times, I wonder if after all my striving I'm living in the realm of that statement that disgusted me.
I hate to make assumptions, but it feels really hopeless to think that after all the work you do, and the efforts you put in to be your wife's lover, that this is at the end of it all. It's really disturbing. And it's keeping me up tonight.
51-55, M
