I don’t understand my feelings about him

And it’s hard to be honest with myself and him. Obviously not being honest with myself would get in the way of being honest with him. And also obviously not understanding my own feelings makes it hard to be honest with myself.
He keeps mentioning how knowing how each other feels is important. I feel bad not being able to be transparent to him. And he notices when I’m quiet.
We have only texted, not even talked on phone. I’ve told him that I don’t think that is a good basis for deep feelings. But he doesn’t seem to believe me. We did try to take it to video call once but I kinda broke it off because of my doubts. I thought we would be done a few times already but in a day or so he reaches out again. And I take the bait because the feeling of being wanted and liked and the potential that it could be good and my doubts are wrong And I keep having romantic fantasies about him. Help, I’m having nervous breakdowns over this.

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soulrespite ·

This sounds like it is directly related to your innerchild and your attachment style.. 🫂

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite thank you can you tell me more

soulrespite ·

Why don’t you trust him?

Why did you not want to video chat with him? What does he make you feel? Those feelings are important.

And how does he behave when you put distance? @Stuffy

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite I don’t trust him? He has been critical , he has manipulated me with words (I take in the words so it’s partly my fault) He hasn’t been the best listener, boldly pushing for what he wants.
I wanted to video chat to really see if we get along I think it’s more real than text. But I think I suspected it wouldn’t go well. He accepted that we back away from eachother but then after a day reach out again ( I posted a picture he commented on and we started again)

He makes me feel extremely nervous and excited. My fantasies feel happy.
I had been quite depressed before I initiated our talks a few weeks ago- it gave me some excitement to distract from being so down. At one point I broke it off saying I should take care of my mental health before starting a relationship

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite Can you say what my attachment style is?
(My history is 3 years divorced from a 35 yr mostly unhappy marriage)

soulrespite ·

There are a lot of different ones. But the way you describe your going back and forth between saying yes and no to him sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, where you don’t trust him, but have a hard time saying no, and trusting yourself. You struggle to communicate what you feel and push him away. You also sound a bit avoidant.

I would have to know you better to tell you more. There are a lot of other kinds you can learn about.

Everything you said to me sounds very reasonable, you shouldnt give him any more of your time. He sounds manipulative, and like lots of red flags.

Are you doing anything to process your past marriage/divorce, and your past? Therapy, journaling, talking to ChatGPT? @Stuffy

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite It will be hard for me to push him away again esp after the very intimidate chat we had the other day. I’m afraid what he’ll say. I’ll get depressed when it’s over again.

I’ve recently re-entered counseling and I use a few support apps and talk with meta but not chat gpt.

I very much appreciate you
Thank you

soulrespite ·

I bet chatting w ChatGPT would be more healthy for you than this guy. @Stuffy

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite Do you have something you would say to him? Advice?

soulrespite ·

To chat? Just say hi, you will find what to say. @Stuffy

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite he said Happy Friday this morning.
I said “ Hi
Is it a happy Friday? 🤷‍♀
How are you?
I’m at a cleaning job.”

He said “ Its always a Happy Friday. I'm well.” And “ I think from now on I'll let you reach out to me from now on.
Being direct, I'm exhausted putting in effort in women anymore. It got tiring fast. It may make me look like a jerk but I frankly don't care anymore.”

I said “ It doesn’t make you look like jerk at all. It’s realistic.”. He also posted on his page that “effort should be two ways. Don’t be an emotional vampire 😉 “

What he misunderstands is that the reason I’m not putting effort into reaching out is that I’m backing away as a passive break up method. Does it matter that he doesn’t get it? Of course I’m anxious as hell that I’m letting him go and it might be the wrong decision.

soulrespite ·

No.. he wants you to chase him. That’s not what I meant. I thought you were asking what to say to ChatGPT.. so I said just say hi.

I think you need to stop talking to that man, he is toxic. And I don’t have any more advice for you. Best of luck. @Stuffy

Stuffy · 61-69, F

@soulrespite Thanks. I wish I understood “toxic” better.