I Am Confused About My Feelings

i’m in an ldr relationship with someone. we’ve known each other for a really long time, and he’s younger than i am so i’ve always thought of him as a little brother more than anything else. a while back he told me that he’s had feelings for me for a while, which i was completely oblivious to. he told me that it was fine if i didn’t feel the same way. i didn’t at the time and he was fine with that. a couple months later, we were talking and it seemed like overnight he was calling me his and the next morning we were unofficially in a relationship. he never asked me and i didn’t agree. it just happened. i was in a relationship prior to that, and it feels as though i moved on way too fast. it had been a couple months but i wasn’t looking to get into a relationship at all. i do love my current boyfriend so much. we’ve been through so much together. this is the happiest i’ve ever seen him be. i love him but i have so many other things happening in my life right now that i’m not sure i can support him and be his girlfriend when i can barely look after myself. i know how brutal it is when the person you love doesn’t love you equally back. it’s not fair to him i would never entertain anyone else nor would i act single if i did decide to break it to him. i would be his first heartbreak. i love him more than anything but between him and everything else, i have no time for myself. he’s always talking about how he can’t wait to live with me and how happy i make him...i feel like i have no breathing room. if i had to choose, i’d rather feel like this than break his heart. however, i feel like it’s not fair to him. i can’t be the kind of girlfriend he deserves because of everything else. i can’t open up to him because i’m not used to having someone there for me all the time and i’m honestly scared. if i did end things, would he be the same? would he still love me? would he hate me? maybe i’m just overwhelmed with stuff but i don’t know. i feel like a horrible awful disgusting person.

TeresaRudolph71 · 51-55, F

The fact that he was calling you his even though you hadn't agreed to that tells me that something isn't quite right here. He has decided that you are now in a romantic relationship with him without your consent. It sounds like you have mixed feelings about this, because you care a lot about him (as a friend) and you value his friendship, but you also feel smothered. That's what I'm getting out of what I'm reading. Am I right?

I agree with polyandrym66 that it sounds like he wants to be in control, and it sounds like he kind of is, in a way, right now, because you want to make him happy, even if it's at your own expense, and he knows that. But I don't agree that you should focus on your sexual needs, as that's not a good foundation for a relationship (that's just the icing on the cake). You could try taking some more time for yourself, which it sounds like you need, and see if he is satisfied with that. I like that suggestion. If he isn't, if he insists that you give him all your time that you need for yourself, then something really is wrong.

I hope that whatever happens, you and he can still be friends. If he truly cares about you, as much as you care about him, he will understand that you need more time to take care of yourself, and he also won't want to pressure you into something that you don't really want. But I also agree that time won't make you feel something that you don't, and I also know, all too well, that being pressured into trying to feel something won't help you feel it. If anything, over time, it will have the opposite effect. So it's better to let him know, sooner rather than later, that you don't have the same feelings, if you don't.

Best of luck to you.